bejeweled & a broken finger

"Jesus, You're the one who saves us

                                                         Constantly creates us into something new."

-Gungor

February 7, 2011*
February brought me a real surprise, I was working a couple days at the mall so my friend and the whole photography studio could go to their holiday party in boston. Working there for two days paid a lot more than my regular job, so I would take a couple days off and answer phones, take messages, and play bejeweled for hours. It was a regular winter day, I was all dressed up and carrying my lunch in my purse, which made it really heavy (chicken noodle soup.) I was getting over a pretty bad cold, and feeling really lousy. I walked in the back entrance for mall employees, I opened the one side of the double storm doors and stepped inside. It was super slippery and I reached back to catch myself. I remember feeling the worst pain I've ever felt, and realized that I had shut my index finger in the door. I turned to open the door and saw that the tip of my finger was barely hanging on. I quickly grabbed it and applied pressure. The mall was just opening, and no one was around. I dropped my keys and started searching for someone to help me. A man came out of nowhere and heard me saying, "I need an ambulance," over and over. I started to pass out from seeing all the blood. I felt guilty that these strangers were being so nice about cleaning up all my blood. I started muttering things like, "I don't have AIDS." I ended up taking an ambulance ride to the hospital, getting some xrays, and eleven stitches. The tip of my finger was broken, and I couldn't use it. My mom drove the couple hours from her house, stayed with me at the hospital for the day, then brought me back to her house.

I was so depressed, I didn't realize how independent I was until I couldn't use my hand. It was so hard to shower, I couldn't drive, and being at work made me paranoid. I work in a school with 90 children, and I was nervous that one of them would bump into, or grab my finger by accident while playing a game. I started to realized what was important and why. I knew that God was breaking me of a lot of things. He was trying to get my attention, and this was how he chose to do it. My whole life I thought that a boy would come along and love me so much, that it would fill in those empty space and make me feel better about myself. I kept waiting for that to happen, and I thought that you could do that for me, but in the end, you just made me feel worse about myself. I remember asking my sister who is married now, if she felt more confident and whole when she was with her husband, and I remember how surprised I was when she told me that it wasn't true. She told me that she had never been brave or good at talking to people, and that I would always be more confident than her. It made me so confused, she was beautiful in every way, but still lacked confidence in small things. This made me realize how much I wanted to be with you for all the wrong reasons. You couldn't fix me, only God could fix me. I had to start over and learn to put my trust in things that were trustworthy. That long hallway at the mall still repulses me. When I go in that door, I still gag and get nervous. It smells like grease and dirty feet. I remember how you sent me a message on facebook saying you had heard about my accident, that you hoped I was okay, and that you were praying for me. We hadn't talked in so long. I remember thinking it was nice of you, but not reading into it. I wanted to fix my hope on things above.