She said "I've gotta be honest,
You're wasting your time if you're fishing round here."
And I said "you must be mistaken,
I'm not fooling... this feeling is real"
-D.C.
2005*
E, he was different, I think he actually liked me back, our timing was just all off. My older sister was dating his twin brother. When they first started dating, she confused the two of them and accidentally paid the wrong brother a compliment. Awkward. The twins started coming to our new church. They were both obsessed with history, poker, and fast cars. Every Sunday E and I would pass notes through the entire church service. These notes, along with my senior picture would become bookmarks in his Bible. I loved the nickname he gave me, and how every time he would see me, his whole face would light up.
I was ridiculous and made him a CD and put one song at the end that secretly said how I felt about him. We were always talking about going fishing together, but never did. I remember when he came to my house the night before I left for college. He brought me a farewell gift. It was this metal Curious George lunch box. He had filled it with sour patch kids. I can't remember why, it was probably some long running joke we had going. He was the first boy to ever give me one of his sweatshirts. It was black, and huge on me, but I loved it. I think he had sprayed it with his cologne before he gave it to me. I wasn't mad.
One Sunday we were passing notes, I can remember how the sun was coming in through the window and hitting my legs, making me wish I had shaved them a little better and hoping he wouldn't notice. (Confessional#4 sometimes I think that having darker skin allows me to have a free pass on not shaving my legs.) E had a girlfriend at the time and he had been complaining about her to me a lot. I remember this one monumental note he passed me, it said, "I want my next girlfriend to be funnier, like you..." I remember freaking out and not being able to look at him. Sometimes this is what happens when you were homeschooled and never really got a chance to interact with boys, so you turn into this little weirdo who reads into everything. My only redeeming quality was, when I would start to think like this, I would never outwardly respond or verbalizing my thoughts. I would just freak out internally. Looking back on it now, his comment wasn't that flattering, but at the time I was just thinking, "oh my gosh, what if he wants me to be his next girlfriend?"
One Sunday we were passing notes, I can remember how the sun was coming in through the window and hitting my legs, making me wish I had shaved them a little better and hoping he wouldn't notice. (Confessional#4 sometimes I think that having darker skin allows me to have a free pass on not shaving my legs.) E had a girlfriend at the time and he had been complaining about her to me a lot. I remember this one monumental note he passed me, it said, "I want my next girlfriend to be funnier, like you..." I remember freaking out and not being able to look at him. Sometimes this is what happens when you were homeschooled and never really got a chance to interact with boys, so you turn into this little weirdo who reads into everything. My only redeeming quality was, when I would start to think like this, I would never outwardly respond or verbalizing my thoughts. I would just freak out internally. Looking back on it now, his comment wasn't that flattering, but at the time I was just thinking, "oh my gosh, what if he wants me to be his next girlfriend?"
I remember going back to college after that weekend and still freaking out. I was taking a 3D class and we were building these shacks out of wood scraps. I was talking to my roommate, who's actually still my roommate now. I was sawing wood and whining about a situation that wasn't even real, I was making it seem like I had this huge decision to make, when in reality, he was still with his girlfriend. I think it was just the first time it seemed like someone could possibly be into me. I immediately stopped talking to him, and dodged him for the next couple weeks at church. When the possibility that someone could like me was there, I clammed up. I would question whether I actually liked him or not. I think what I was actually doing, was wondering why he would want to be with me. My whole life boys had always treated me like I was just another one of the guys, and when one actually showed interest in me, it would freak me out. I would immediately assume there was something wrong with them if they liked me. I guess my older sister wasn't the only one guilty of letting a boy define her. The next time I saw him, the weirdness was gone, the moment had passed. I knew I had missed my opportunity. I was back to being one of the guys.
I can remember how badly I always wanted to be in pictures with E. He was over at my mom's house one day after church, so I had my younger sister casually take a few pictures, I remember not wanting him to know what I was doing, but I wasn't as subtle as I thought I was. I tried getting my youngest sister to be in them with us, but she wouldn't. In all pictures (which are printed) I'm yelling at her, with my arm outstretched trying to get her to be in the photo. E broke up with his girlfriend not too long after the note incident. He would spend hours on the phone with me, talking about life and love, he even came to visit me at school one weekend. It felt safe to like him again, I was back in my comfortable role of giving him girl advice. I kept hoping he would hint at something again, hoping our conversations would come back to us. I didn't really know where it was going, but that following summer he started dating a new girl. I remember being so devastated, and sitting in my blazer (that I couldn't drive because it didn't have hand controls, so it just sat in the driveway) and crying on the phone to my best friend. A month later E showed up to my sisters (the who was dating his brother) college graduation party with his new girl. She was sweet and bubbly, I remember feeling bad for her because of how excited E got when he saw me, and how he kept her out of our conversation the entire time. I felt so bad, that I found ways to include her and let her in on our jokes. When he left I wondered why they were together, and I hate to say this, a little bit excited that he still cared about me. I decided to wait for him just a little bit longer.
I would feel so left out whenever my sister would show me pictures of their double dates. I couldn't help but think that it should have been me in all those pictures with him. Twins dating sisters, it made for such a good story. I never could admit to my oldest sister that I liked E. I'm sure she knew though, she had to have known. A couple years later, my family and I attended his grandmother's funeral. A lot had changed, our siblings broke up, and E was engaged to that sweet, bubbly girl. I remember putting on my cutest black dress and being unsure of how I would feel when I saw him again. We did our usual greetings, and caught each other up on life. Later on I would observe how they stood next to each other as they talked to family and friends. It was a sad night, but everyone would smile when she showed off the ring. I remember realizing that if I had been with E, I would be the one who was engaged. I realized that I didn't want to be in her shoes for anything. I saw what my life would be like with E. He would always want to stay in his tiny town, ten minutes away from his parents, playing poker with the same guys every weekend. I didn't want the comfort of always knowing what was coming next.
Last year my mom and sister ran into E at a restaurant, they said he was a mess, that he had just broken off his engagement and was drowning his sorrows in a beer. I remember how every time I was home visiting my mom and I would pass his parents house, I would always look for his big truck, or hope to catch a glimpse of him outside. I had bought E these race car pencils with his name on them, but I waited too long to give them to him, and I would always find them in odd places around my room. They served as a reminder to me of our forgotten friendship. This summer I ran into a mutual friend of ours, she said E had just gotten married and was off somewhere in the Caribbean on his honeymoon. Both of the twins got married, I haven't heard from either one of them in years. I hope E is happy. I wish we had gone fishing together, at least once. Here's part of the song, the one I put at the end his CD. Looking back on all of it now, I realize that my feelings for him probably weren't real. When you're younger, it's just so hard to figure out who you are, so you try to figure out who you are in terms of someone else. Problem is, that usually leaves you feeling even more lost. Everything just feels so extreme and raw when you're a teen, like you're feeling everything all at once, and it always seems like the end of the world. Here's to being thankful that I wasn't included in those double date pictures after all.
I would feel so left out whenever my sister would show me pictures of their double dates. I couldn't help but think that it should have been me in all those pictures with him. Twins dating sisters, it made for such a good story. I never could admit to my oldest sister that I liked E. I'm sure she knew though, she had to have known. A couple years later, my family and I attended his grandmother's funeral. A lot had changed, our siblings broke up, and E was engaged to that sweet, bubbly girl. I remember putting on my cutest black dress and being unsure of how I would feel when I saw him again. We did our usual greetings, and caught each other up on life. Later on I would observe how they stood next to each other as they talked to family and friends. It was a sad night, but everyone would smile when she showed off the ring. I remember realizing that if I had been with E, I would be the one who was engaged. I realized that I didn't want to be in her shoes for anything. I saw what my life would be like with E. He would always want to stay in his tiny town, ten minutes away from his parents, playing poker with the same guys every weekend. I didn't want the comfort of always knowing what was coming next.
Last year my mom and sister ran into E at a restaurant, they said he was a mess, that he had just broken off his engagement and was drowning his sorrows in a beer. I remember how every time I was home visiting my mom and I would pass his parents house, I would always look for his big truck, or hope to catch a glimpse of him outside. I had bought E these race car pencils with his name on them, but I waited too long to give them to him, and I would always find them in odd places around my room. They served as a reminder to me of our forgotten friendship. This summer I ran into a mutual friend of ours, she said E had just gotten married and was off somewhere in the Caribbean on his honeymoon. Both of the twins got married, I haven't heard from either one of them in years. I hope E is happy. I wish we had gone fishing together, at least once. Here's part of the song, the one I put at the end his CD. Looking back on all of it now, I realize that my feelings for him probably weren't real. When you're younger, it's just so hard to figure out who you are, so you try to figure out who you are in terms of someone else. Problem is, that usually leaves you feeling even more lost. Everything just feels so extreme and raw when you're a teen, like you're feeling everything all at once, and it always seems like the end of the world. Here's to being thankful that I wasn't included in those double date pictures after all.
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