on pretending & judgements

I must confess I have been very judgmental my whole life. I tend to draw conclusions before hearing the whole story, and sometimes even after I hear the story, I still think I know best, but that's the thing about life, we can never really understand someone till we've lived what they've lived and looked at things through their lens. Since that's impossible, I often find myself judging first, listening second. It's something that I've been working on for a long time now. I think it has a little to do with the fact that I grew up so sheltered. My parents were really strict, I was home schooled from 1st-8th grade. When I was younger, the only thing we would talk about was what happened at the Sunday night service at church, or what new contemporary christian cassette tape was coming out that week, so when I heard about anything else, it seemed scandalous. I know my parents meant well, they were trying to protect us. I appreciate the measures they took and how much they loved us. I feel like they built a strong foundation for us, so when I went to public high school later, I was confident in my beliefs, but my worldview was small. It would take me a while to realize that I had to develop my own opinions and thoughts on God and life, and that there is a huge difference between legalism and holiness.

I have three sisters, they are 28, 21, and 17, and an older half brother. who is 33. I fall right in the middle of everything. The middle child, I'm sure I have all the complexes associated with middle child syndrome. Our family appeared perfect on the outside. My dad lead the kids programs at church, played the organ, and did everything that a man who had been divorced could do without actually preaching. We were in church at least three times a week. My dad is Native American, and his whole family lives on the reservation and that was where we attended church. Most the kids that would come out to church were wild and unkempt. I was the well behaved, overachiever whose dad was in charge. I memorized all my verses above and beyond what was expected, I sat super still during the mini sermon, in hopes that I would get the 'hot seat' or candybar prize at the end of the night. I remember wanting so badly to fit in with those wild native kids, that I practicing this one sentence that had borderline profanities in it, I wanted this one girl to think I was super bad, so she would want to be my friend. I said my slang one liner, she was impressed. Our friendship was short-lived, she figured out I wasn't as bad as I pretended to be. I don't even remember her name.

How my family was in church, and how we were at home, were two different things. Over the years, things started to fall apart. I think we forgot what it meant to be a family. It seemed like we got so caught up in what we were supposed to be, that we forgot what really mattered. Tuesday nights at church became the only times we would see my dad. He was always seemed to be too busy for us when he was home. I started resenting the time he spent with those kids, he would pour more into them than he would with us at home. I didn't like that I had to share him. My whole family started to go through the motions, we thought that it would carry us through. And that is what is so wrong with pretending, it's only a temporary fix, something to hold you over till the real storm hits.