I’m cold and tired. I’ve slept for hours and there are socks on my feet and warm sleeves on my arms. I’ve learned so much and so little all at once. I’m still afraid, but somehow less scared about being afraid. I’m an oxymoron just waiting to be challenged. I feel defeated and careless, but more guarded than ever. I don’t think I could contradict myself anymore than I already do.
I keep waiting around. My whole life feels like one big waiting game.
I love, I mess up, I try to fix it, I repeat my same mistakes, thinking that maybe, this time I’ll get it right. I like to think that it’s everyone else who is wrong, but it’s always me. They say that life is only 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it. I have terrible reactions. I’m missing the piece of me that makes me think that I’m worth it. I’ve tried so many times to make You my everything and it’s like I can’t be happy, not yet. I feel like I have to be everything or nothing at all. There is no middle ground.
Seeing the seasons change reminds me of how far off I am from where I want to be. It marks another stretch of time that I’ve wasted and taken advantage of. It’s beautiful and new and I’m the same as I’ve always been. I have nothing to offer it in return for its beauty. I could enjoy it for what it is, but I would rather it serve as a reminder to me that I should try harder and keep my patience in tact. So I will let the fall taunt me into submission as another year passes just out of my reach.
Don’t worry, I’ll keep reaching and maybe someday I’ll reach and You will be closer. Or maybe I’ll reach and You will give me someone here on earth to love.
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