what a waste of a heart

Same trip, same month.

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?

What if I'm not what you think I am?
What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?

- Ingrid Michaelson

Part 4.
Another song that I still relate to J, it seemed to illustrate every fear I had about meeting him. We met up with J at this random spot right off the highway. It was an abandoned gas station. I felt like we were all going to end up on a dateline special. I questioned everything I knew about him. Here I was putting everyone's life at risk, they had no choice, but to trust that I had good judgment in someone I met online. We got to the appointed spot before him. I was so mad, we had come all this way, just like he wanted and he wasn't even there to meet us. The suspense was killing me. You know how sometimes you want something so bad, that it seems like it will never happen? Like the universe is playing a terrible trick on you, like you'll get so close to it, but never actually get what you want. It's like that moment when you're in the passenger seat of a car and you something up ahead catches your eye and you're so intrigued that you sit up a little bit straighter and squint your eyes to see a little better as you approach, but just as you do, a car comes along side you, blocking your view, and keeps up just long enough for you to miss out on what you were dying to see. That's how I felt about J from day 1, till that moment when he pulled up in his town car. Every picture that was tagged or posted of J online was so weird, his hand would be up across his whole face, or there would be a huge piece of furniture blocking his body. My friends and I would laugh about it, he was the mystery body and face, but what right did I have to judge him about these things when I was the one with a disability? I felt like we had too much of a foundation built for any of this to matter.

He finally pulled up in that granny town car of his, and immediately covering his face with his left hand. I laughed so hard, thinking to myself, "he would." We were all giggly, it almost felt like we were doing something wrong. I didn't usually meet guys in real life that I met online. My sister immediately said that I would ride back to his house with him. I was mortified, I'm not sure why, he knew more about me than most people, it was just so overwhelming. The reality of it all was hitting me. My roommate was such a good best friend and immediately offered to ride with me. I got out of the car and climbed in the front seat. They were leather. I kept sliding off and trying not to stare at him. He was exactly what I imagined, no real surprises. He was in a hat and a sporty zip up, not at all skinny, but not fat either. He had Christian radio on and his talk show opened up with a warning about having young children leave the room because they would be discussing sex. I wanted to die. Could this ride have been any more awkward? My roommate encouragingly squeezed my shoulder from the backseat. I loved her so much in that moment. We made small talk, J showed me all the dead zones, where he would lose me when we were talking on the phone. The night we got there we all piled into his car, he bought us all McDonalds and went to his hockey game. It was really fun. There was a lot of yelling. I was super nervous and not at all myself. I barely ate my mcnuggets.

J's grandma was adorable, she made us feel right at home. J gave up his king sized bed for me and my sisters. I went through his closet and looked at all his outfits, and what he was reading on his nightstand. I felt weird using his shower. I left one of my bobby pins in there. J had to work the next day, but I woke up to a text from him. Nothing too cute, just him making plans for us when he got out of work. We went to the mall and played putt putt. It was a lot warmer there. I rode with him in his car, just me this time. He told me he felt like he had known all of us for forever. I tried to make a couple jokes, but I just felt so much pressure to be everything he thought I was, that I just shut down. While we were at the mall, he barely talked to us, and was always a mile ahead of us when we walked. At one point we were sitting on a bench outside of a store, and I kept thinking to myself, I've waited so long for this moment, and here I am, right next to him, and we're not saying a word to each other. I just kept waiting for him to start trying, but he seemed so disconnected from me, from everyone. Neither of us were the confident people that we portrayed over the phone. We got home from the mall, played a little Wii, watched some Office, and just sat around. We were leaving in the morning, and my oldest sister was overtired and she started acting really weird and hitting J with a fly swatter. My roommate told her to go to bed, and surprisingly, she listened. She went up to J, offering him a hug, but he wouldn't give one to her. I laughed, glad that for once her flirty ways didn't get her anywhere. My roommate's blond sister was there, just watching us play Wii golf, and commenting on how much she hated it. Her and J started talking and before I knew it they were throwing grapes at each other. I tried not to be mad, tried to keep my cool, but I was furious. Really? Right in front of me? I told myself they were just being friendly, that it didn't mean anything, that I needed to stop being so insecure.

It was finally time for bed. We all said our goodbye's that night, since we were leaving at 6 am, and J didn't have to work till later. I had all this stuff in my hands, and J walked up and gave me a huge hug. It was awkward, my hands were full. I couldn't really hug back, so I just kind of leaned into him. I was confused, he didn't hug everyone else. What did it mean? I went to bed with a smile on my face. I couldn't wait to get a text from him in the morning. I thought it was weird that I wanted to know how he felt about me, but I couldn't talk about it with him in person. I remember being on the road and getting a text from him, it went something like this, "it was so awesome meeting you guys." I was so mad, blah blah blah, what about me? What about everything we talked about? I asked him about us, he played dumb and kept beating around the bush, not really giving me an answer. He kept talking in circles, and saying he felt like God was really working on him and that he had never been around a group of girls like us. Sure, that was nice and all, but it was like he completely disregarded everything we were, and he just lumped me in with everyone else. I was so hurt. I told him I couldn't talk to him for a while, I had to stop thinking of him the way I had before, I knew he couldn't mean so much to me anymore. I couldn't let him have so much of my time and energy anymore. But that's the thing about liking someone, well for me anyways. It was the first time a boy had admitted to liking me, I felt addicted to that feeling, and missed it when it was gone.

His birthday was coming up, I made him a card and drew all of his favorite things on it, but I couldn't bring myself to send it. Instead I wrote him a five page letter, trying to understand him. I wasn't trying to force him into liking me, that was the last thing I wanted. I wanted him to understand what he did to me, and to give him a chance to explain himself. I thought I had meant more, but all my worst fears about myself were confirmed.  He made me feel so insecure, so defeated. I mailed him the letter, he responded in a really long myspace message. It didn't answer any of my questions that had been gnawing away at me, but I started to accept that I probably never would really understand him. I slowly started to realize how lame he was, but everything still hurt so bad, I felt like I was losing a really good friend. I felt so bad about myself. I've always had a hard time separating out my feelings. I can't just quit someone, or flip a switch on how I view them. I knew it would take time, so I told him we couldn't talk anymore, not until I could switch my feelings over to viewing him as a friend. I eventually sent him his birthday card, and a few months later, we talked on the phone. He would randomly call me on his way home from hockey to talk about himself, then he would lose signal and not even bother to call me back. I also found out J had started texting my roommates blondie sister once we left. Big surprise. I stopped caring after a while. I had to. I guess I fell further than him after all. Sometimes you just have to let go, or you'll stay stuck forever. A few months later J started dating a girl he met online, but never in real life. I guess she was from Pennsylvania. It didn't last long. It was around this time when I started going to my new church, the one I'm at now. I remember being in such a dark place, and how Sunday mornings made me feel so safe and loved. I started serving in a ministry where the children needed so much love. I felt like I had wasted so much of my love, time, and emotions, but at least now I could finally invest them in something real. I felt needed. I was investing my heart where it would be safe. It was the one place where I felt like I didn't have to hide how sad I was. Even though I didn't know anyone, I felt like I could be myself and come just as I was, broken and lost. I had no idea you were so close, or what you would mean to me.