"I want to change the world,
Instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me."
- I. M.
- I. M.
December 8, 2010*
The talk, they were going to have the talk. I felt so nervous, like my whole life was leading up to this. I was so stressed out about it, that my roommate started to regret telling me. My stomach was in knots just thinking about it. I bit all of my fingernails off, and when I ran out of those, I started chewing on my actual fingers. I'm not sure why I let things like this consume me so much. I have always had this intense need to love and be loved. It has dictated all of my relationships, and every aspect of my life, whether I want it to or not. I really do want to change the world. I don't want to be famous, or even get recognized for anything, I just want to meet people where they're at and let them know that they're not alone, that there's someone who can take everything and make it better.
Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by this idea of helping others, that I want to give up. It's almost like, if I can't do and be everything for everyone, I don't want to do anything at all. The side of me that is lazy and comfortable with how my life is now, begs me to stay in this safe spot. I'm constantly wrestling with this idea of wanting to show God's love, the real love that creates radical change for myself and others, yet I find myself placing my need for love first, and investing it in the wrong people and things, instead of sharing the love and grace of God with others. I've found that my misplaced love has lead to disappointment and failures. My failures lead to fears, and these fears sometimes leave me feeling paralysed from ever wanting to try again. I think I'm always wanting to create change, while remaining unchanged myself. I don't think you can have both of those things at once. I think the discrepancy in this is what causes me to fail. I don't think we can expect change in others without first being changed ourselves. I wanted to rid myself of me. My heart longed to be full of God and all things holy, but at this point in my life, I wasn't ready to, or didn't know how change. I pictured you and I, on fire, changing the world one person at a time, with a passion for God and each other, and I was addicted to this idea.
The talk, they were going to have the talk. I felt so nervous, like my whole life was leading up to this. I was so stressed out about it, that my roommate started to regret telling me. My stomach was in knots just thinking about it. I bit all of my fingernails off, and when I ran out of those, I started chewing on my actual fingers. I'm not sure why I let things like this consume me so much. I have always had this intense need to love and be loved. It has dictated all of my relationships, and every aspect of my life, whether I want it to or not. I really do want to change the world. I don't want to be famous, or even get recognized for anything, I just want to meet people where they're at and let them know that they're not alone, that there's someone who can take everything and make it better.
Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by this idea of helping others, that I want to give up. It's almost like, if I can't do and be everything for everyone, I don't want to do anything at all. The side of me that is lazy and comfortable with how my life is now, begs me to stay in this safe spot. I'm constantly wrestling with this idea of wanting to show God's love, the real love that creates radical change for myself and others, yet I find myself placing my need for love first, and investing it in the wrong people and things, instead of sharing the love and grace of God with others. I've found that my misplaced love has lead to disappointment and failures. My failures lead to fears, and these fears sometimes leave me feeling paralysed from ever wanting to try again. I think I'm always wanting to create change, while remaining unchanged myself. I don't think you can have both of those things at once. I think the discrepancy in this is what causes me to fail. I don't think we can expect change in others without first being changed ourselves. I wanted to rid myself of me. My heart longed to be full of God and all things holy, but at this point in my life, I wasn't ready to, or didn't know how change. I pictured you and I, on fire, changing the world one person at a time, with a passion for God and each other, and I was addicted to this idea.
I just wanted whatever this talk was to be over with. I couldn't imagine that you would confide in my roommate about me, unless you wanted one of three things to happen, 1. You wanted her to break the news to me that you didn't like me, 2. You actually liked my roommate and were just getting to know me to be around her, 3. You liked me, but weren't ready to date and didn't know what to do about it. I didn't want to let myself think that you could be that much of a coward, to not even be able to say any of these things to my face, but I wanted to trust you with this. I wanted to trust that you had my best interests at heart. I kept holding on to this hope, that somehow something amazing would come from all of this, so I picked out my dress for the dance, crossed my fingers, and hoped for number 3.
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