"Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know, is it killing you like it's killing me?"
- T. S.
Friday, December 10, 2010
I had to come to terms with the fact that you really could be in love my roommate, that I had possibly imagined everything, and that the reason you actually wanted to be around me was because you wanted to be around her. I remember talking to her the night before they had their talk. I told her what I really thought. I told her my three scenarios, I thought about what we had all been through, and I honestly told her that if you voiced your feelings for her and she felt the same way, that she shouldn't hesitate or think about me for one second. I knew that at one point, whether she could admit it or not, she felt something for you and if you felt the same way, you should pursue it. There was no way I would want to be with you anymore more if that was the case. I told her I would be happy and move on, that there was someone else for me. I know I would've been sad if that were to happen, but I meant every word of it. I made her promise me that she would do that. I knew how great you were, and how hard it is for two people to find love. I wanted one of us to end up with you, even if it wasn't me. It was all planned, she would pick you up from school, you would have the talk, they would meet back at our house, then we would head to the Christmas Swing dancing party, followed up by a movie afterwards. I was so anxious. I remember being at work and staring at the clock, knowing that you guys were probably mid-talk. I got home before they did, so I tried to do my hair and put my outfit together, but I just kept walking around in circles like a crazy person.
They walked into our apartment not too soon after. I asked my roommate if she could help me zip up my dress in the bathroom. I remember not being able to shut the bathroom door fast enough. I nervously asked her what happened. She kept stalling and I could tell she didn't want to say what she was about to say. I remember trying to rush her and wondering why she was taking so long to tell me. I'm not sure how she ended up saying everything, but what I took away from it was, "he doesn't want to date you." I had never felt so humiliated in my whole life. I remember not wanting to leave the bathroom at all, I wanted to take up residence there and have people bring me food. I was so angry that you had this conversation with her and not me.
We were in there so long, I'm sure you knew what we were doing. I finally emerged, you were playing music on your phone, trying to break the tension. It didn't work, I don't remember the ride there. I didn't say much. I was too mad. You were wearing this bright red, shiny clip-on tie. I remember thinking you were ridiculous all of a sudden. We met up with our other friends there and you immediately went off and spent the whole night dancing with my roommate, it was like you didn't have a care in the world. It made me even more mad, the way you acting like nothing happened. I remember pouting in a chair in the corner all night. I was too angry to be around anyone, but too stubborn and proud to admit anything was wrong when people asked. None of my friends from church really knew that I felt anything more than friendship for you, and I was too embarrassed to tell them everything at that point, so I sat alone in my pity. You came over to me once and touched my shoulder. I ignored you and pretended to be fine.
I rode in a different car when we headed to the movies, I didn't want to be near you. The movie was good, I almost cried at the end, even though it wasn't that sad. We couldn't have been sitting farther apart if we tried, there were probably nine people in between us. I remember how before the movie started there was a preview for a movie about African lions. I turned my head, ready to joke around with you about it and make you promise to go see it with me, but you were too far away, and I was too mad. In the days that followed, I beat myself up a lot. I was trying to come to terms with everything. I wanted to work up the courage to confront you about it all, to come right out and tell you that I deserved more from you. I deserved to hear all of those things directly from you. It wasn't your fault that you didn't want to date me, that was rough, but you couldn't change the way you felt. That wasn't the part that made me mad, it was how you dealt with, or didn't deal with it. Your age was finally starting to show. The age gap was starting to seem more like a canyon than a gap. I remember dropping you off at his house afterwards and pressing my roommate for more info. I felt like there was more she wasn't saying. I wanted her to clarify if you meant not dating me now, or not ever. She said it was more of a not now. In my mind I couldn't believe that I you really didn't feel anything for me. All of our moments together, those times when it was just us, had meant so much to me, and I wanted to feel validated in their meaning, to know that I wasn't "that girl." The girl who could imagine that a boy was in love with her when he really wasn't. I couldn't stand those girls.
(Sunday)
We had a youth group leader meeting a couple days later. My heart still felt as heavy as a stone. There were just four of us sitting around that tiny round table. It was the closest I had been to you since everything happened, and it wasn't by choice. You kept trying to overcompensate for my passive aggressive behavior by being funny. It made me even more mad. I wanted you to acknowledge the fact that I was upset and try to fix things. I guess I wasn't being fair either. I couldn't look at you, so I doodled the entire meeting. I drew this elaborate, snowy little city. I remember wishing that I could be in that imaginary city, instead of sitting at that table with you. I was angry at myself for so many reasons, I was supposed to be focusing on our teens and having a heart of serving, but instead I was feeling sorry for myself. I wanted so badly to serve others, to change lives for God, but here I was getting caught up in my own selfishness. I wanted to let it go, not to keep track of the ways I've been wronged and above all, to have grace. I couldn't shake this feeling that there was more to all of this, that if I could just say the right words in the right setting, we could fix everything. I wanted so badly to be loved and adored by you, that I forgot that you were human, that you would and could let me down, and that you had zero obligation to me. Suddenly our city seemed too small for the both of us, and winter seemed way too long.
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