everything & nothing

"And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too"
-F&TM

December 22, 2010*

I had never been more wrong about anything in my whole life. I asked you if we could meet before I drove home to my mom's house for Christmas, I didn't feel right about how we had left things, all those mean things I said to you were rattling around in my mind. You didn't deserve them. The only thing hurt was my pride. It was the day before Christmas eve. I was wearing my bright red pea coat. I curled my hair, and I think I was even wearing a dress. I felt like I was on a mission. I thought that maybe if I looked pretty enough, you might tell me the truth, that you lied about everything, that you actually did feel something for me all along. I also wanted you to know I forgave you, that I didn't have everything together the way you thought I did. I guess looking back on it now, I was trying to save my pride, to regain just a little bit of my dignity.

It was freezing. I couldn't bring myself to knock on your door. I felt so dumb, I couldn't face your family, even though they probably didn't know anything. I felt so ashamed, so I just sat in my car and waited for you until you came out of your apartment. You weren't wearing a coat of course, your head was down, hands in your pockets. You walked so slowly to my car, and got in with a hesitant hello. You weren't sure what I was going to say. I wasn't either. I remember wishing I had written things down. I asked you if you had anything to tell me, you assured me you didn't. I wanted to give you another chance, just in case you had changed your mind. I think I just wanted to hear everything from you, face to face. To make sure that it was true. You gave me this speech about how I was the funniest person you had ever met...blah blah...I blocked you out and got embarrassed, hoping that you didn't think I came to see you just so you would give me compliments. They felt more like insults anyways, because although you thought I was funny, I still wasn't funny enough or amazing enough for you to want to be with me. You said you knew I couldn't hold hate in my heart for long. I'm not sure where you got it in your mind that I was such a gracious person. Maybe you were just hoping that I was.

I drove away with closure. You had confirmed in my mind that everything was true. You were sticking to it. I wasn't an idiot, it was time to accept the fact that you and I would never be anything more than friends. Let it go. This time I really did. I drove away with the finality of it all ringing in my ears. I made one stab at you, I told you I wasn't sure where you got it in your head that I had everything all figured out. I told you I never expected anything from you. I guess that was my lie. I did expect something. I expected everything and nothing all at once, if that makes any sense. That's how it always is with me, it could mean everything, or it could mean nothing at all. I'm always waiting things out. Waiting to be disappointed, waiting to be thrilled, waiting for someone to change my mind about all my preconceptions in love and in friendships. To know that there was someone out there who didn't change, who wouldn't walk away when things were hard. Merry Christmas. Time to head home and heal.