online blues are for teenagers

"Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted"

- Nickel Creek

December 2010
Now, when I look back on everything, I can't believe how much I had worried about you, about this whole situation. I wonder what I could've built or accomplished with all the effort and thought I put into you. It makes me sad. Why are my priorities always so messed up? I want them to look like this, 1. God 2. Family 3. Church 4. Myself. But they usually look like this, 1. Myself....

This is what happened, after they had the talk and some of my embarrassment subsided, I realized I needed to tell you that I didn't really expect anything from you, and that this whole thing would not have sucked so bad if you had just come to me with everything. (Confession #10 This was a lie. My expectations were through the roof.) This was one of my darkest days in all of this, later on it would all make sense, but when it was happening, it sure did feel like the end of the world. I guess my pride was hurt the worst, mostly because of my roommate's sister (Taylor Swift.)  She always seemed to be popping up whenever a boy I liked was involved. This is what should have been the final straw for me.

me: hey. how's studying?

you: not studying anymore

just being lazy

hey i gota tell you something important

me: it's saturday. it's allowed

I gotta tell you something important

you: Oh? 

me: you can go first, or we can talk tomorrow?

you: ***** (Taylor Swift-my roommate's sister) says i shouldnt say mine on computer so, ill tell you in person tomorrow

me: why are you talking to everyone but me, about me?

it's making me so mad

you: dont be mad

you: I have always thought of you as a great friend. sisterlike

and thats the way i want it to be

im sorry for any confusion that ive caused you

me: thats fine

i've never expected anything from you

that's what i wanted to tell you

you: i just want us to be friends if not, i understand

it took me a while to find out....and when i did, i didnt wanna hurt ur feelings

me: well you wouldn't have if you had just told me. and honestly I don't have everything figured out like you think

you: i really am sorry....ino these things arent easy and its my fault

i never wanted it to go that way so its not like i was doing it on purpose....im sorry and ino ur mad at me...and thats ok 

me: idk what to say

i accept your apology

you: u dont have to

you:i now know i was a turd to you

me: why didn't you just tell me?

you: and still am

but i really dont see you that way...i do care about you and love you like i do all my friends

me: i feel like you blew the whole thing out of proportion

or got the wrong impression about my feelings for you somehow

i never expected something from you

you: if i did, it wont happen again

me: i was just having so much fun with you, and you got all weird

these past couple weeks

and you stopped looking at me and avoiding me

and you made me so confused


you: i always have fun around you too

me: then?

you: i felt it was going in the wrong direction

me: from what?

you: from being great friends to emotions getting involved

me: but what made you think that?

something i did?

you: i felt it when i looked at you in the car that one time u droped me off

At that point your internet connection just kept going in and out, until I finally gave up and signed off. Boom, there it was. Those were the words I had been waiting to hear. They were definitive. Just let go. Nope, I couldn't do it. I was holding onto the idea of us so tightly, that I just couldn't let it go. So instead I got mad for a while, and held onto my little dog in his Christmas sweater. I could pinpoint the exact moment in my car that you were talking about. I didn't know my eyes could give so much away, but at the same time, I remember hoping that they would, since I couldn't, or wouldn't admit how I felt about you out loud. I think we were a little confused about the whole thing. The line between being a close friend and confidant was blurred because of our genders. I guess we should not have been sharing such intimate things with each other. It made me too emotionally attached to you. In the aftermath of our haphazard conversation, I began to panic and worry that we had just ruined our whole friendship, and the thought of it tore me in two.