what we deserve

*November 2010 

This whole month is one big happy blur. I'm trying my best to remember the order of things. All I'm certain of, is that I wanted to see you all the time, that you made me so happy. One Sunday at church we were talking in the corner, there was this big, leafy plant in between us. I probably kept touching it because I was nervous, so you started talking about it, how it reminded you of a plant from Africa. You looked at me for half a second and I felt something, it was something new, it happened so fast, I thought I imagined it, but I couldn't help but mention it to my roommate on our way home. She laughed at me like I was ridiculous. I felt so stupid for even bringing it up. I was a little mad too, why would it be so unbelievable for him to like me? This is the part that I wish I could forget. The part that I regret, the part the shows who I really am, and it makes me ask the question, "If I could do it all over again, would I do it differently?" I saw a quote this week that reminded me of how as humans, we think ugly thoughts, and do ugly things, and when we do these things we want to quickly brush these feelings under the rug. As Christians, sometimes we're too scared to admit that we're capable of feeling this way, like were somehow better than others, that we don't have these moments just like everyone else. 

"I discovered something which I had never confronted before, that there were immense forces of darkness and hatred within my own heart. At particular moments of fatigue or stress, I saw forces of hate rising up inside me, and the capacity to hurt someone who was weak and was provoking me! That, I think, was what caused me the most pain: to discover who I really am, and to realize that maybe I did not want to know who I really was! I did not want to admit all the garbage inside me. And then I had to decide whether I would just continue to pretend that I was okay and throw myself into hyperactivity, projects where I could forget all the garbage and prove to others how good I was." 
- Jean Vanier

I started to realize something that I knew along, but wanted to ignore from that first day my roommate saw me in your baseball hat. It was the reason for her silence on this topic, her almost exasperation when I brought up this topic. Did she like you too? How could I feel right about things, about us, if I knew she had feelings for you too? Couldn't I just keep things the way they were and hope I was wrong about her? It was so subtle, her always ignoring this issue, no one else wouldn't have noticed, but it was more about what she didn't say than what she did say. She was always one to talk things out with someone if she knew they were dealing with something, to give her genuine opinion on things. That's how she always was, giving in every way. I started to think about everything differently. She deserved him more than me. I felt foolish worrying about all of these things without knowing how you actually felt.

We were out shopping one night, I was selfishly talking about you again, how you were young, how it freaked me out, but how your life experiences added on a few extra years. That's how I was justifying it all. She was weird again, not giving me real answers, so I outright asked her, I had to. I remember staring at an ugly sweater for way too long, because I couldn't look her in the eyes. She couldn't answer me. She just kept saying you were so young, that she didn't think she liked you. It wasn't very convincing. I was devastated, and didn't know what to do with this new information. Nothing felt right. How could I keep up my relationship with you and her at the same time? I had to choose? 

I tried to pretend I was a guy, I put my roommate and I side by side and tried to think objectively about it all. It didn't take me very long to decided who was the better choice. I don't think I have low self esteem, but I realize how it's going to sound like it in a second. You just have to understand how amazing my roommate is. It's more than her knowing she's amazing, it's that she actually is, and doesn't know, or acknowledge the fact that she is. She's gorgeous, she can cook, sew, give great advice, she's quick to laugh, and the most loyal of friends. If it came right down to it, I didn't stand a chance against her. I'm cynical, I'm only good at making chicken noodle soup, I pretend I can sew (Confessional #8 every Christmas my roommate and I make homemade gifts for family and friends. It usually requires sewing. I start off with every intention of sewing these crafts, but I get frustrated and my roommate finishes them for me and doesn't want the credit for it.) I'm too sarcastic most days, and I laugh like a heyena. My heart started to ache over you, over both of these friendships. I didn't want to have to prove that I was a good person by giving you up, but at the same time, I couldn't accept that I was a monster who would pick a boy she was just getting to know this year, over her best friend. I didn't want to be that girl. If only I was better at sewing those Christmas purses, if only I had a better heart, maybe then I would deserve you...