Back to us, back to you. My mind always goes back to those Thursday nights when we would get dressed up and go downtown swing dancing in that huge ballroom. When I say we, I mean my friends would dance, and I would watch. I felt so bad when men would come up to me and ask me to dance. I felt like a huge jerk saying no, I don't think they ever really believed me that I couldn't do it. The hardwood floors, the low lighting, and the wall of mirrors were so beautiful. I haven't been back since last November. I loved people watching and my friends attempting to be coordinated. I mostly went because of you. I don't know how it all started, I think it was this one comment you randomly made to me one night. You said, "I'm going to slow dance with you in the snow." I don't remember the context, but I sure do remember that part, because I thought it was the nicest thing that any boy had ever said to me. I didn't know boys thought about stuff like that too. So in the back of my mind, I wanted my slow dance with you, and I spent a week watching you learn the steps with my roommate, and hoping you would you would ask me by the end of the night.
One of my closest friend was over for lunch some time in this month. She was the only person who I felt was unbiased about the whole situation. She didn't go to our church and had only met you once. I had confessed to her that I felt something for you, that I didn't know what it was, I just knew I felt it so strongly. She asked me if I had a crush on you, I immediately replied, "No, I think I would go right to loving him. It would be so easy to do it I let myself." My answer came so naturally. It terrified me that I could identify it so quickly. She told me it sounded messy. I could tell she thought it was a terrible idea.
I think it would be safe to say that at this point our relationship was complicated. Even though neither of us would admit it, our feelings were stronger than anyone else knew. We had these intense moments together in my car after an event at church. I would drop you off and what seemed like minutes would turn into hours, and before I knew it we were both going back and forth, challenging each other about serious things. You were full of riddles, your mind was always going, I could see it even when we weren't having our conversations. I can't even fully describe our conversations. They were so passionate and heated, half of the time I didn't even know what we were talking about, but I could see that you were hiding a lot and I wanted you to be free of those things. I knew there was something huge there, something from your past that was ruling your thoughts and actions, something that you couldn't face. You were always hinting to me that you were a bad person, that if people knew the real you, they wouldn't ever speak to you again. I felt so strongly against this, I knew that what I felt for you would trump anything you could ever tell me.
I remember almost shedding a tear out of anger when you told me that sometimes you just wanted to disappear and stop trying. I suddenly broke the rule where we talk about everything but us. I said, "you cannot do that to me." It was the first time I acknowledged how much you meant to me. I tried to make you promise me that you wouldn't disappear, but you wouldn't do it. I remember trying to tell you exactly how I felt about you with my eyes, because my mouth wouldn't do it. I swore that you loved me, yet at times, it almost seemed like I repulsed you. You wouldn't ever touch me, or be alone with me. I remember walking into church with you in the middle of the winter, I would almost be slipping on ice, and you wouldn't offer me your arm, yet there would be times when you would just impulsively reach out and play with my hair or closely examine my necklace for just a little bit too long. Both of these things were so intimate. You would always do these things when no one was looking, and it would confuse me so much.
One particular Thursday night you came with us swing dancing. My mom and youngest sister were there that night. I was so excited for you to be around them for the first time. I had been talking about you to them a lots. You sat by me, we talked a lot. I finally got sick of waiting for you to ask me to dance, so I finally asked you about it. You hesitated, but offered me your hand, I took it. We walked off into a corner, You pulled me so close that I started to freak out, my eyes got huge, I pushed you away, putting more space between us. I told you I had never been that close to boy before. This was true, I didn't know what to do being in such close proximity to you, I just started twitching lots. It was hilarious how my awkwardness never seemed to bother you. You just ignored it and smiled at me. Anyone else would've been mortified. I started mumbling to fill in the silences. You couldn't hear what I said, but I pretended that what you thought I said was correct. I couldn't speak. You told me I could dance on your feet, so I did. We probably looked like middle schoolers, but I didn't care. As far as I was concern, there was no one else in the room that night. The song that was playing, wasn't even slow, I didn't care. Our song ended, it was time to go home.
Everyone put their coats on and walked out the door. I kept waiting for one of my friends, or my sister to whisper something to me about our intense dance, but no one did. I felt like we were always having these really intensely intimate moments, but they went unnoticed by everyone except us. I was scared that I was making them up in my mind, that these moments only meant something to me. I wanted someone else to point them out for me, for someone to say that I wasn't crazy. You and I would never address these moments, we acted like they never even happened. To acknowledge them would be to admit that they were real, and that something needed to be done. I guess it was easier for both of us to exist in a world of what ifs. I was also too scared to ask, I couldn't bear to find out that indeed, I had imagined everything, and that you were just another boy that meant too much to me.
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