Swing dancing, it was all I could think about. I wanted to be that close to you again, and that was the only way I could do it. I was always living for Thursday nights. You were almost done with your fall semester, so you had a lot of work to do. It meant that you couldn't come dancing for a few weeks. On the nights you weren't there, I would text you the whole time as I was watching from the sidelines. When you finally came back, I was so excited, I tried to be patient and wait for you to ask me to dance again, but you didn't. Every time you would sit down for a rest, you would tease me about stealing my scarf, or say something flirty, at one point, you even grabbed my hand for some reason. I don't remember what we were talking about, but you held it for a second and traced the lines on it. I wanted you to keep it, but eventually you let go.
I was so giddy, but tried to hide it. Once again, I had to initiate our dance. I was bolder this time and immediately stepped close to you, like we had before, but this time you were more cautious. This time you were the one to put more space in between us. You said I was too close to you. I was so confused. You were so much closer a few weeks earlier when my mom was there. I wanted to ask you why, it was killing me. I stuttered, but finally got it out. You said you were scared you might do something bad. It just didn't make sense to me. What does that mean? What could possibly be bad? Did you want to stomp on my feet? It couldn't be anything like hitting on me, my mom had been there last week, this would have been your opportunity to actually dance close to me, or hit on me if you wanted to. "I don't want to do something bad." Those words left me perplexed for weeks. You picked up swing dancing faster in two weeks than our friends did in four. You danced with my roommate the whole night, she was one of the only girls you knew. I was jealous? No, that's not really a question. I wanted to mean the most to you. I couldn't help it. It was so ugly of me, how could I feel that way about my best friend? You were probably just another boy. When I got home that night, my roommate and I were trying to figure out what, "do something bad meant." I was holding my little dog, I said, "You're a boy, what was he talking about?" I then proceeded to hold him as close as I did with you during our slow dance. My dog licked my face. My roommate and I laughed till we fell over.
At the end of the month you got weird. You told me that you needed some time, you said it all cryptic and confusing. I wasn't sure what you were actually saying, but what I took away from it, was that you needed some time away from girls, that you needed to figure some things out. I couldn't help but think you were talking about me. Was I getting to close? Did you realize how much I cared about you, and that you didn't reciprocate my feelings? It made me so upset. You told me you couldn't accept rides from me anymore. I was so sad because it was the one time we were alone, when we really got to talk. Those were the times that meant the most to me, you would tell me you had to go as reached for the door, but we always ended up parked in front of your dorm for at least another hour. We would laugh so hard about the weirdest things, and then there were the times when we were so serious and honest that it hurt. It was such a raw feeling to be like that with someone. Nothing physical, just talking. I started to get frustrated with you. I wanted to know how much I meant to you, to feel like I wasn't crazy for thinking that we had something, that you weren't like this with everyone. Christmas was so close, I was getting so excited. The snow reminded me of everything I wanted every year. To be with someone who loved me, to buy those matching reindeer sweaters, to walk hand in hand through the lit city streets late at night, in my bright red coat. I know it's a lot to ask, but a girl can dream.
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