february break(s me)

"I wish my heart was cold
But it's warmer than before

I wish my heart was as cold as the morning dew

But it's as warm as saxophones

And honey in the sun for you."

-C. O.

February 27, 2011*
It was your February break, and we were texting all day, and late into the night. You were coming over lots, and "forgetting" your soccer hat with the name of your college on it, because you knew how much I loved it. I was still wearing my new necklace from Valentines Day. I kept noticing that with just one flip of the charm, it looked like the girl was either running away from the boy, or they were kissing. I started to get nervous that I was the kind of girl that wanted something until she could actually have it. I had gotten my hair cut and you asked me to send you a picture. I felt really weird about it, so I tried to ignore your request, but you were persistent, so I give in and sent you a picture with my hair all tucked under, making it look like I had chopped it off. Your response was "sexy." I remember being confused and feeling weird about it, like I had done something wrong, but I was secretly thrilled that you said that to me, and I started to wish that I had actually chopped my hair short.

My roommate wasn't home one night and I randomly invited you over, thinking that you wouldn't come, but you did. You had just gone shopping with your friend and accidentally "butt dialed" me at least five times that night. You brought over your new clothes and did a "fashion show" for me. It was ridiculous and I was embarrassed when my roommate showed up in the middle of it. Suddenly I was picking you up again at school and everything was back to normal, but  something was a little different. I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. Later on, I figured out what it is. You were putting me first. You offered to get food for me, and to drive my car so I can eat dinner on our way to church. When you would leave my house each night, you started to grab the trash, and offered to take the dog out. It was almost like you were trying to show me that you liked me without words. My heart was telling me that something was different, but my head kept telling me to run, that it was all a big trick. I didn't want to get my hopes up again, but I did anyways.

There were still those times that threw me off, when it seemed like you were pulling away. When we were at youth group and everyone joined hands to pray before it started, you refused to hold my hand and it made me mad. You held everyone else's. Sometimes the things you did just didn't make sense. One day it dawned on me that you never actually called me by name, it was always mademoiselle, or something ridiculous. I was the opposite, I couldn't stop saying your name, I was always calling you by your name, or giving you weird nicknames. You started to seem attainable this time, but maybe not. I just didn't want to be the fool again. Not this time. So I kept flipping around the girl on my necklace, I just couldn't decide which way I wanted her to go.

sixty chicken nuggets

"I know what it takes to move on

I know how it feels to lie

All I want to do

Is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven't got"

-LP

Mid-February 2011

I'm remember driving home to my mom's house for the weekend, it was a few weeks after valentines day. My sister got really into the holiday that year, and she had a whole bag of Valentines presents for me. There was even a card. The cover of the card had an African American woman on it, and I remember how everyone stood around making jokes, because they all knew that I had never really gotten over you. At the bottom of the bag was this silver necklace with a boy and a girl charm on it. I liked it so much that it wore out.

It was your February break, you had a cellphone again, and suddenly we were texting each other almost every day and I'm lying to myself about it not meaning anything, and realizing that you haven't lost your power over me like I had hoped. I remember not being able to admit to myself that I was still falling for you, because I was trying so hard to keep my feet on the ground, and my love for you all separated out and simple. I kept forcing myself to remember that terrible conversation we had online, when you told me that you thought of me as, "...a great friend, sister like."

Two of my close friends had just started dating, they had both heard about our unfolding winter drama and had met you a couple times. Our plans for that evening, were for us girls to grab some dinner so we could talk, then the boys would meet up with us later for a movie.  I remember going through the McDonald's drive through window with my friend, we were getting our usual, a twenty piece chicken Mcnuggets and large fry (disgusting, I know) to split, when I started telling her how glad I was that we never worked out, I started spewing out all these weird arguments, it was like I couldn't stop myself, I guess I was trying to justify to her,  and myself, that it was okay for us to hang out. My friends boyfriend showed up to my apartment right after we got back with our food. He knew what we usually ordered and had grabbed us more nuggets, not knowing we had just gone there. sixty nuggets. For some reason there were sixty. Those nuggets ended up in the back of my fridge for months.

I remember calling you while we were eating. I put you on speakerphone so you could pick out a movie and see what time they were playing. I remember talking to you and how it seemed like you had suddenly developed this really strong accent. You were really hard to understand and my friend was looking at me all weird, and it was like I was hearing and seeing you through her ears and eyes, and you sound so young and foreign, and I'm questioning myself for a second, but then you show up, and as soon as I see you, your voice sounds regular and your face seems so lovely that everything else fades away.

I remember when you showed up, how I felt like jumping out of my skin because the room suddenly felt electric and too warm, and I'm prancing around like a careless, teenage girl, offering to make everyone ice cream. I remember not being able to concentrating on what I was doing, and I forget to put in an essential piece on the machine, so I ruined the whole batch of ice cream, but we ate it anyways. I'm trying to take your picture on my new phone so your face would pop up when you called, but you wouldn't smile in your picture, you were just so serious and direct with your gaze, that it made me uncomfortable, so I gave up. You started telling us stories about how you almost died twice on the same bridge in Africa when you were little, and I'm sitting beside you bursting with happiness because you're here with me and we're having so much fun that we forget to go to the movie. You had to leave for soccer practice, but you offered to come back after, and I was surprised, but glad that you wanted to. You were always rushing off, or finding an excuse to leave, but this time, it was so different. You wanted to be there, and I felt it. After you left, my friends just kept saying over and over, "I don't remember him being that dark," and I just kept smiling, because I didn't care or notice what color you were, or what you sounded like. I just wanted you to be mine.

what is love?

Valentines Day 2011*
Ha, the whole holiday just doesn't bother me one bit. I don't give a hoot about it. That year I was just thankful to still have my finger. I was so grateful for everything in my life, and how I was able to do more and more as my finger healed. Valentines day meant that me and all of my single friends would dress up and go out for sushi. This time, I didn't even think to invite you. It was fun, and easy. My roommate made us all matching heart bracelets. Everyone made fun of my bandage with their wash cloths. I was so content for the first time in months.

I had agreed to help you and my roommate make a video for youth group. The topic, love. Ironic, I know. I was actually okay with the whole thing. I showed up to your school with dirty hair, the sweatshirt I wore when I was feeling fat, and a bad attitude. My hair was so greasy, I remember throwing a hat on. I had stopped caring what you thought about me, I didn't try to be near you any more. I stopped being careful with my words. I remember how we went to your school and walked around interviewing people on campus. We asked them what love meant to them. A lot of the answers were silly, some of them were serious. You and I both pretended to be random people. You pretended to be a boy named Bobby. I remember how you said, "Love is a lot like chocolate cake. When you have it, you're happy, and when you don't you're sad." 

When we were done with interviews, we ordered Chinese food and watched a movie in your dorm room. You were folding your laundry the whole time, not really paying attention to the movie. You acted as if we weren't even there, not in a rude way, but in a way that was comfortable, and for once, I didn't mind. It was just like old times, except this time, I had zero expectations. It was a fun day, and I was so proud of myself for being able to hang out with you and not feeling so much pressure for once. When I got home I uploaded our videos so I could edit them. I found one that wasn't like the others. You were holding the camera, almost hiding it, and everything was really shaky, but it was a shot of me walking alone. I was pretty confused, and deleted it since it didn't seem relevant for our youth group video. Later on it would all make sense, everything would. I recently went back and looked for the video , but it's long gone. I did find this clip. We were so awkward and too careful around each other. I guess this is what it looks like when two people pretend not to care too much. I can't believe I have all this proof. None of this seems like it really happened, but then I see the pictures, and I watch the videos, and there it is. I wish I could see it all with a fresh pair of eyes. I guess I still want to find answers and meaning in every little thing.

bejeweled & a broken finger

"Jesus, You're the one who saves us

                                                         Constantly creates us into something new."

-Gungor

February 7, 2011*
February brought me a real surprise, I was working a couple days at the mall so my friend and the whole photography studio could go to their holiday party in boston. Working there for two days paid a lot more than my regular job, so I would take a couple days off and answer phones, take messages, and play bejeweled for hours. It was a regular winter day, I was all dressed up and carrying my lunch in my purse, which made it really heavy (chicken noodle soup.) I was getting over a pretty bad cold, and feeling really lousy. I walked in the back entrance for mall employees, I opened the one side of the double storm doors and stepped inside. It was super slippery and I reached back to catch myself. I remember feeling the worst pain I've ever felt, and realized that I had shut my index finger in the door. I turned to open the door and saw that the tip of my finger was barely hanging on. I quickly grabbed it and applied pressure. The mall was just opening, and no one was around. I dropped my keys and started searching for someone to help me. A man came out of nowhere and heard me saying, "I need an ambulance," over and over. I started to pass out from seeing all the blood. I felt guilty that these strangers were being so nice about cleaning up all my blood. I started muttering things like, "I don't have AIDS." I ended up taking an ambulance ride to the hospital, getting some xrays, and eleven stitches. The tip of my finger was broken, and I couldn't use it. My mom drove the couple hours from her house, stayed with me at the hospital for the day, then brought me back to her house.

I was so depressed, I didn't realize how independent I was until I couldn't use my hand. It was so hard to shower, I couldn't drive, and being at work made me paranoid. I work in a school with 90 children, and I was nervous that one of them would bump into, or grab my finger by accident while playing a game. I started to realized what was important and why. I knew that God was breaking me of a lot of things. He was trying to get my attention, and this was how he chose to do it. My whole life I thought that a boy would come along and love me so much, that it would fill in those empty space and make me feel better about myself. I kept waiting for that to happen, and I thought that you could do that for me, but in the end, you just made me feel worse about myself. I remember asking my sister who is married now, if she felt more confident and whole when she was with her husband, and I remember how surprised I was when she told me that it wasn't true. She told me that she had never been brave or good at talking to people, and that I would always be more confident than her. It made me so confused, she was beautiful in every way, but still lacked confidence in small things. This made me realize how much I wanted to be with you for all the wrong reasons. You couldn't fix me, only God could fix me. I had to start over and learn to put my trust in things that were trustworthy. That long hallway at the mall still repulses me. When I go in that door, I still gag and get nervous. It smells like grease and dirty feet. I remember how you sent me a message on facebook saying you had heard about my accident, that you hoped I was okay, and that you were praying for me. We hadn't talked in so long. I remember thinking it was nice of you, but not reading into it. I wanted to fix my hope on things above.

the only good thing about new years, is that it's new...

"So this is the new year.

And I don't feel any different."

-DCFC

December 31-January, 2010*
Christmas and New Years, what a blur. I'm trying to get this all right, I'm scanning through pictures and reading through journals. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for going back and remembering it all, for rehashing every little memory in detail. Maybe I am crazy, but part of me thinks that the only way to get over this, is to see it all out in front of me, to see all of my mistakes and acknowledge them. Maybe I'll be able to sift out what was my fault and what wasn't. I really healed after Christmas, letting go changes everything. I felt relief. All my questions were answered, and I felt satisfied for once. Even though it wasn't what I wanted, I wasn't waiting around, hoping for something that was never going to happen. Celebrating New Years has always been a big deal growing up. My sisters, my best friend, and I would dress up all fancy, put on a ton of makeup, eat finger foods, and sit around in the living room waiting for the ball to drop. I'm not sure why we get so dressed up, we never even go anywhere. In the morning there is a tradition on the Native American Reservation where my dad lives, called New Yah-ing. It's almost like Halloween. You go from house to house yelling, "Happy New Yah!" Then you receive a baked good. I always end up missing it because we can't wake up early enough. Those are our traditions.

The end of 2010 brought out a random group of people to my mom's house. I felt so disconnected from everyone, like I was just going through the motions of everything. I'm not sure if I told anyone or not, but I had invited you to our house for new years. I wanted to make sure you knew that we were still friends, and I would still invite you to things. Part of me just wanted you to be there too. I knew you wouldn't come. You hated stuff like that. I didn't blame you, it was always you and a bunch of girls. I just wanted to ring in the new year with you I guess. I knew it was a bad idea. I remember wearing my fancy black and gold dress but not taking off my sweatpants because I was too cold and I just didn't care anymore. In all the photos I'm trying too hard. I kept wondering when I would stop living my life in terms of you. January was your birthday. I can't even remember if I told you happy birthday or not. We were becoming strangers, but that was how it had to be. Next stop, valentines day. Things were about to get crazy.

everything & nothing

"And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too"
-F&TM

December 22, 2010*

I had never been more wrong about anything in my whole life. I asked you if we could meet before I drove home to my mom's house for Christmas, I didn't feel right about how we had left things, all those mean things I said to you were rattling around in my mind. You didn't deserve them. The only thing hurt was my pride. It was the day before Christmas eve. I was wearing my bright red pea coat. I curled my hair, and I think I was even wearing a dress. I felt like I was on a mission. I thought that maybe if I looked pretty enough, you might tell me the truth, that you lied about everything, that you actually did feel something for me all along. I also wanted you to know I forgave you, that I didn't have everything together the way you thought I did. I guess looking back on it now, I was trying to save my pride, to regain just a little bit of my dignity.

It was freezing. I couldn't bring myself to knock on your door. I felt so dumb, I couldn't face your family, even though they probably didn't know anything. I felt so ashamed, so I just sat in my car and waited for you until you came out of your apartment. You weren't wearing a coat of course, your head was down, hands in your pockets. You walked so slowly to my car, and got in with a hesitant hello. You weren't sure what I was going to say. I wasn't either. I remember wishing I had written things down. I asked you if you had anything to tell me, you assured me you didn't. I wanted to give you another chance, just in case you had changed your mind. I think I just wanted to hear everything from you, face to face. To make sure that it was true. You gave me this speech about how I was the funniest person you had ever met...blah blah...I blocked you out and got embarrassed, hoping that you didn't think I came to see you just so you would give me compliments. They felt more like insults anyways, because although you thought I was funny, I still wasn't funny enough or amazing enough for you to want to be with me. You said you knew I couldn't hold hate in my heart for long. I'm not sure where you got it in your mind that I was such a gracious person. Maybe you were just hoping that I was.

I drove away with closure. You had confirmed in my mind that everything was true. You were sticking to it. I wasn't an idiot, it was time to accept the fact that you and I would never be anything more than friends. Let it go. This time I really did. I drove away with the finality of it all ringing in my ears. I made one stab at you, I told you I wasn't sure where you got it in your head that I had everything all figured out. I told you I never expected anything from you. I guess that was my lie. I did expect something. I expected everything and nothing all at once, if that makes any sense. That's how it always is with me, it could mean everything, or it could mean nothing at all. I'm always waiting things out. Waiting to be disappointed, waiting to be thrilled, waiting for someone to change my mind about all my preconceptions in love and in friendships. To know that there was someone out there who didn't change, who wouldn't walk away when things were hard. Merry Christmas. Time to head home and heal.

online blues are for teenagers

"Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted"

- Nickel Creek

December 2010
Now, when I look back on everything, I can't believe how much I had worried about you, about this whole situation. I wonder what I could've built or accomplished with all the effort and thought I put into you. It makes me sad. Why are my priorities always so messed up? I want them to look like this, 1. God 2. Family 3. Church 4. Myself. But they usually look like this, 1. Myself....

This is what happened, after they had the talk and some of my embarrassment subsided, I realized I needed to tell you that I didn't really expect anything from you, and that this whole thing would not have sucked so bad if you had just come to me with everything. (Confession #10 This was a lie. My expectations were through the roof.) This was one of my darkest days in all of this, later on it would all make sense, but when it was happening, it sure did feel like the end of the world. I guess my pride was hurt the worst, mostly because of my roommate's sister (Taylor Swift.)  She always seemed to be popping up whenever a boy I liked was involved. This is what should have been the final straw for me.

me: hey. how's studying?

you: not studying anymore

just being lazy

hey i gota tell you something important

me: it's saturday. it's allowed

I gotta tell you something important

you: Oh? 

me: you can go first, or we can talk tomorrow?

you: ***** (Taylor Swift-my roommate's sister) says i shouldnt say mine on computer so, ill tell you in person tomorrow

me: why are you talking to everyone but me, about me?

it's making me so mad

you: dont be mad

you: I have always thought of you as a great friend. sisterlike

and thats the way i want it to be

im sorry for any confusion that ive caused you

me: thats fine

i've never expected anything from you

that's what i wanted to tell you

you: i just want us to be friends if not, i understand

it took me a while to find out....and when i did, i didnt wanna hurt ur feelings

me: well you wouldn't have if you had just told me. and honestly I don't have everything figured out like you think

you: i really am sorry....ino these things arent easy and its my fault

i never wanted it to go that way so its not like i was doing it on purpose....im sorry and ino ur mad at me...and thats ok 

me: idk what to say

i accept your apology

you: u dont have to

you:i now know i was a turd to you

me: why didn't you just tell me?

you: and still am

but i really dont see you that way...i do care about you and love you like i do all my friends

me: i feel like you blew the whole thing out of proportion

or got the wrong impression about my feelings for you somehow

i never expected something from you

you: if i did, it wont happen again

me: i was just having so much fun with you, and you got all weird

these past couple weeks

and you stopped looking at me and avoiding me

and you made me so confused


you: i always have fun around you too

me: then?

you: i felt it was going in the wrong direction

me: from what?

you: from being great friends to emotions getting involved

me: but what made you think that?

something i did?

you: i felt it when i looked at you in the car that one time u droped me off

At that point your internet connection just kept going in and out, until I finally gave up and signed off. Boom, there it was. Those were the words I had been waiting to hear. They were definitive. Just let go. Nope, I couldn't do it. I was holding onto the idea of us so tightly, that I just couldn't let it go. So instead I got mad for a while, and held onto my little dog in his Christmas sweater. I could pinpoint the exact moment in my car that you were talking about. I didn't know my eyes could give so much away, but at the same time, I remember hoping that they would, since I couldn't, or wouldn't admit how I felt about you out loud. I think we were a little confused about the whole thing. The line between being a close friend and confidant was blurred because of our genders. I guess we should not have been sharing such intimate things with each other. It made me too emotionally attached to you. In the aftermath of our haphazard conversation, I began to panic and worry that we had just ruined our whole friendship, and the thought of it tore me in two.