everything & nothing

"And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too"
-F&TM

December 22, 2010*

I had never been more wrong about anything in my whole life. I asked you if we could meet before I drove home to my mom's house for Christmas, I didn't feel right about how we had left things, all those mean things I said to you were rattling around in my mind. You didn't deserve them. The only thing hurt was my pride. It was the day before Christmas eve. I was wearing my bright red pea coat. I curled my hair, and I think I was even wearing a dress. I felt like I was on a mission. I thought that maybe if I looked pretty enough, you might tell me the truth, that you lied about everything, that you actually did feel something for me all along. I also wanted you to know I forgave you, that I didn't have everything together the way you thought I did. I guess looking back on it now, I was trying to save my pride, to regain just a little bit of my dignity.

It was freezing. I couldn't bring myself to knock on your door. I felt so dumb, I couldn't face your family, even though they probably didn't know anything. I felt so ashamed, so I just sat in my car and waited for you until you came out of your apartment. You weren't wearing a coat of course, your head was down, hands in your pockets. You walked so slowly to my car, and got in with a hesitant hello. You weren't sure what I was going to say. I wasn't either. I remember wishing I had written things down. I asked you if you had anything to tell me, you assured me you didn't. I wanted to give you another chance, just in case you had changed your mind. I think I just wanted to hear everything from you, face to face. To make sure that it was true. You gave me this speech about how I was the funniest person you had ever met...blah blah...I blocked you out and got embarrassed, hoping that you didn't think I came to see you just so you would give me compliments. They felt more like insults anyways, because although you thought I was funny, I still wasn't funny enough or amazing enough for you to want to be with me. You said you knew I couldn't hold hate in my heart for long. I'm not sure where you got it in your mind that I was such a gracious person. Maybe you were just hoping that I was.

I drove away with closure. You had confirmed in my mind that everything was true. You were sticking to it. I wasn't an idiot, it was time to accept the fact that you and I would never be anything more than friends. Let it go. This time I really did. I drove away with the finality of it all ringing in my ears. I made one stab at you, I told you I wasn't sure where you got it in your head that I had everything all figured out. I told you I never expected anything from you. I guess that was my lie. I did expect something. I expected everything and nothing all at once, if that makes any sense. That's how it always is with me, it could mean everything, or it could mean nothing at all. I'm always waiting things out. Waiting to be disappointed, waiting to be thrilled, waiting for someone to change my mind about all my preconceptions in love and in friendships. To know that there was someone out there who didn't change, who wouldn't walk away when things were hard. Merry Christmas. Time to head home and heal.

online blues are for teenagers

"Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted"

- Nickel Creek

December 2010
Now, when I look back on everything, I can't believe how much I had worried about you, about this whole situation. I wonder what I could've built or accomplished with all the effort and thought I put into you. It makes me sad. Why are my priorities always so messed up? I want them to look like this, 1. God 2. Family 3. Church 4. Myself. But they usually look like this, 1. Myself....

This is what happened, after they had the talk and some of my embarrassment subsided, I realized I needed to tell you that I didn't really expect anything from you, and that this whole thing would not have sucked so bad if you had just come to me with everything. (Confession #10 This was a lie. My expectations were through the roof.) This was one of my darkest days in all of this, later on it would all make sense, but when it was happening, it sure did feel like the end of the world. I guess my pride was hurt the worst, mostly because of my roommate's sister (Taylor Swift.)  She always seemed to be popping up whenever a boy I liked was involved. This is what should have been the final straw for me.

me: hey. how's studying?

you: not studying anymore

just being lazy

hey i gota tell you something important

me: it's saturday. it's allowed

I gotta tell you something important

you: Oh? 

me: you can go first, or we can talk tomorrow?

you: ***** (Taylor Swift-my roommate's sister) says i shouldnt say mine on computer so, ill tell you in person tomorrow

me: why are you talking to everyone but me, about me?

it's making me so mad

you: dont be mad

you: I have always thought of you as a great friend. sisterlike

and thats the way i want it to be

im sorry for any confusion that ive caused you

me: thats fine

i've never expected anything from you

that's what i wanted to tell you

you: i just want us to be friends if not, i understand

it took me a while to find out....and when i did, i didnt wanna hurt ur feelings

me: well you wouldn't have if you had just told me. and honestly I don't have everything figured out like you think

you: i really am sorry....ino these things arent easy and its my fault

i never wanted it to go that way so its not like i was doing it on purpose....im sorry and ino ur mad at me...and thats ok 

me: idk what to say

i accept your apology

you: u dont have to

you:i now know i was a turd to you

me: why didn't you just tell me?

you: and still am

but i really dont see you that way...i do care about you and love you like i do all my friends

me: i feel like you blew the whole thing out of proportion

or got the wrong impression about my feelings for you somehow

i never expected something from you

you: if i did, it wont happen again

me: i was just having so much fun with you, and you got all weird

these past couple weeks

and you stopped looking at me and avoiding me

and you made me so confused


you: i always have fun around you too

me: then?

you: i felt it was going in the wrong direction

me: from what?

you: from being great friends to emotions getting involved

me: but what made you think that?

something i did?

you: i felt it when i looked at you in the car that one time u droped me off

At that point your internet connection just kept going in and out, until I finally gave up and signed off. Boom, there it was. Those were the words I had been waiting to hear. They were definitive. Just let go. Nope, I couldn't do it. I was holding onto the idea of us so tightly, that I just couldn't let it go. So instead I got mad for a while, and held onto my little dog in his Christmas sweater. I could pinpoint the exact moment in my car that you were talking about. I didn't know my eyes could give so much away, but at the same time, I remember hoping that they would, since I couldn't, or wouldn't admit how I felt about you out loud. I think we were a little confused about the whole thing. The line between being a close friend and confidant was blurred because of our genders. I guess we should not have been sharing such intimate things with each other. It made me too emotionally attached to you. In the aftermath of our haphazard conversation, I began to panic and worry that we had just ruined our whole friendship, and the thought of it tore me in two. 

a heavy dose of grace

"Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,

And I'm dying to know, is it killing you like it's killing me?"

- T. S.

Friday, December 10, 2010

I had to come to terms with the fact that you really could be in love my roommate, that I had possibly imagined everything, and that the reason you actually wanted to be around me was because you wanted to be around her. I remember talking to her the night before they had their talk. I told her what I really thought. I told her my three scenarios, I thought about what we had all been through, and I honestly told her that if you voiced your feelings for her and she felt the same way, that she shouldn't hesitate or think about me for one second. I knew that at one point, whether she could admit it or not, she felt something for you and if you felt the same way, you should pursue it. There was no way I would want to be with you anymore more if that was the case. I told her I would be happy and move on, that there was someone else for me. I know I would've been sad if that were to happen, but I meant every word of it. I made her promise me that she would do that. I knew how great you were, and how hard it is for two people to find love. I wanted one of us to end up with you, even if it wasn't me. It was all planned, she would pick you up from school, you would have the talk, they would meet back at our house, then we would head to the Christmas Swing dancing party, followed up by a movie afterwards. I was so anxious. I remember being at work and staring at the clock, knowing that you guys were probably mid-talk. I got home before they did, so I tried to do my hair and put my outfit together, but I just kept walking around in circles like a crazy person.

They walked into our apartment not too soon after. I asked my roommate if she could help me zip up my dress in the bathroom. I remember not being able to shut the bathroom door fast enough. I nervously asked her what happened. She kept stalling and I could tell she didn't want to say what she was about to say. I remember trying to rush her and wondering why she was taking so long to tell me. I'm not sure how she ended up saying everything, but what I took away from it was, "he doesn't want to date you." I had never felt so humiliated in my whole life. I remember not wanting to leave the bathroom at all, I wanted to take up residence there and have people bring me food. I was so angry that you had this conversation with her and not me.

We were in there so long, I'm sure you knew what we were doing. I finally emerged, you were playing music on your phone, trying to break the tension. It didn't work, I don't remember the ride there. I didn't say much. I was too mad. You were wearing this bright red, shiny clip-on tie. I remember thinking you were ridiculous all of a sudden. We met up with our other friends there and you immediately went off and spent the whole night dancing with my roommate, it was like you didn't have a care in the world. It made me even more mad, the way you acting like nothing happened. I remember pouting in a chair in the corner all night. I was too angry to be around anyone, but too stubborn and proud to admit anything was wrong when people asked. None of my friends from church really knew that I felt anything more than friendship for you, and I was too embarrassed to tell them everything at that point, so I sat alone in my pity. You came over to me once and touched my shoulder. I ignored you and pretended to be fine.

I rode in a different car when we headed to the movies, I didn't want to be near you. The movie was good, I almost cried at the end, even though it wasn't that sad. We couldn't have been sitting farther apart if we tried, there were probably nine people in between us. I remember how before the movie started there was a preview for a movie about African lions. I turned my head, ready to joke around with you about it and make you promise to go see it with me, but you were too far away, and I was too mad. In the days that followed, I beat myself up a lot. I was trying to come to terms with everything. I wanted to work up the courage to confront you about it all, to come right out and tell you that I deserved more from you. I deserved to hear all of those things directly from you. It wasn't your fault that you didn't want to date me, that was rough, but you couldn't change the way you felt. That wasn't the part that made me mad, it was how you dealt with, or didn't deal with it. Your age was finally starting to show. The age gap was starting to seem more like a canyon than a gap. I remember dropping you off at his house afterwards and pressing my roommate for more info. I felt like there was more she wasn't saying. I wanted her to clarify if you meant not dating me now, or not ever. She said it was more of a not now. In my mind I couldn't believe that I you really didn't feel anything for me. All of our moments together, those times when it was just us, had meant so much to me, and I wanted to feel validated in their meaning, to know that I wasn't "that girl." The girl who could imagine that a boy was in love with her when he really wasn't. I couldn't stand those girls.

(Sunday)

We had a youth group leader meeting a couple days later. My heart still felt as heavy as a stone. There were just four of us sitting around that tiny round table. It was the closest I had been to you since everything happened, and it wasn't by choice. You kept trying to overcompensate for my passive aggressive behavior by being funny. It made me even more mad. I wanted you to acknowledge the fact that I was upset and try to fix things. I guess I wasn't being fair either. I couldn't look at you, so I doodled the entire meeting. I drew this elaborate, snowy little city. I remember wishing that I could be in that imaginary city, instead of sitting at that table with you. I was angry at myself for so many reasons, I was supposed to be focusing on our teens and having a heart of serving, but instead I was feeling sorry for myself. I wanted so badly to serve others, to change lives for God, but here I was getting caught up in my own selfishness. I wanted to let it go, not to keep track of the ways I've been wronged and above all, to have grace. I couldn't shake this feeling that there was more to all of this, that if I could just say the right words in the right setting, we could fix everything.  I wanted so badly to be loved and adored by you, that I forgot that you were human, that you would and could let me down, and that you had zero obligation to me. Suddenly our city seemed too small for the both of us, and winter seemed way too long. 

the number 3

"I want to change the world,

Instead I sleep. 

I want to believe in more than you and me."
- I. M.

December 8, 2010*

The talk, they were going to have the talk. I felt so nervous, like my whole life was leading up to this. I was so stressed out about it, that my roommate started to regret telling me. My stomach was in knots just thinking about it. I bit all of my fingernails off, and when I ran out of those, I started chewing on my actual fingers. I'm not sure why I let things like this consume me so much. I have always had this intense need to love and be loved. It has dictated all of my relationships, and every aspect of my life, whether I want it to or not. I really do want to change the world. I don't want to be famous, or even get recognized for anything, I just want to meet people where they're at and let them know that they're not alone, that there's someone who can take everything and make it better.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by this idea of helping others, that I want to give up. It's almost like, if I can't do and be everything for everyone, I don't want to do anything at all. The side of me that is lazy and comfortable with how my life is now, begs me to stay in this safe spot. I'm constantly wrestling with this idea of wanting to show God's love, the real love that creates radical change for myself and others, yet I find myself placing my need for love first, and investing it in the wrong people and things, instead of sharing the love and grace of God with others. I've found that my misplaced love has lead to disappointment and failures. My failures lead to fears, and these fears sometimes leave me feeling paralysed from ever wanting to try again. I think I'm always wanting to create change, while remaining unchanged myself. I don't think you can have both of those things at once. I think the discrepancy in this is what causes me to fail. I don't think we can expect change in others without first being changed ourselves. I wanted to rid myself of me. My heart longed to be full of God and all things holy, but at this point in my life, I wasn't ready to, or didn't know how change. I pictured you and I, on fire, changing the world one person at a time, with a passion for God and each other, and I was addicted to this idea.

I just wanted whatever this talk was to be over with. I couldn't imagine that you would confide in my roommate about me, unless you wanted one of three things to happen, 1. You wanted her to break the news to me that you didn't like me, 2. You actually liked my roommate and were just getting to know me to be around her, 3. You liked me, but weren't ready to date and didn't know what to do about it. I didn't want to let myself think that you could be that much of a coward, to not even be able to say any of these things to my face, but I wanted to trust you with this. I wanted to trust that you had my best interests at heart. I kept holding on to this hope, that somehow something amazing would come from all of this, so I picked out my dress for the dance, crossed my fingers, and hoped for number 3.

boys & girls are sometimes awkward

"This is me praying that
This was the very first page
Not where the story line ends."
-T. S.

December 6, 2010*

You decided you would come to the art gallery party last minute. It snowed a ton that night. Everything was covered in a layer of icy, white sparkles, or at least that's how everything looked to me. I think it was probably just snow. Christmastime just makes everything seem more magical. I tried to have a conversation with you online about everything that was going on with you, but you wouldn't budge. You said you didn't want to talk about it. My roommate picked you up on her way home from work. You informed her that you wanted to have a talk with her and you asked her not to tell me. Being a good friend and following the code of girl-dom, she told me anyways. I was in the bathroom when you got to my house, I was probably gluing my eyelashes on. I remember being scared to come out of the bathroom, thinking that I had gone a little overboard with all my eye glitter and lashes. (Confession #9 The glue from those fake lashes gave me an eye infection.)

 I remember not being able to look at you when I came out of the bathroom. I pretended you weren't there. You wore this bright blue, short sleeved dress shirt that was too big for you. You looked like you were ready to go golfing. You never were good at keeping up with the fashion trends, but I didn't care. In the car, you told my roommate and I that we looked nice. When we got to the art gallery, you got out of the car so fast, you didn't even look back or wait for me. There was so much snow I could barely walk in it. You told us that you ended up coming that night because your fortune cookie that came with your dinner that night read, "you will have a fun night with friends." That was the start of my frustrations with your decision making. It just didn't make sense to me, I couldn't imagine basing my plans on a fortune cookie. You were always asking me if it would make me happy if you came to certain events, and I always told you the same thing, "I want you to come if you want to be there." I never wanted you to feel like you had to come just to make me happy.

There ended up being six of us that night, three boys, and three girls. It was a little awkward that we ended up with the right amount of girls and boys to be in couples that night, it wasn't on purpose, it just happened. I averted being part of your couple, my roommate fell into that role for some reason. We all look so awkward in all the pictures. None of us knew what to do with our hands. I remember purposefully avoiding being near you in the pictures. I didn't want you to get the wrong idea and think I was presumptuous about whatever we were, or that we planned it that way. You sat by me when we ate and laughed nervously at all of the jokes. Sometimes I thought I would catch you looking at me out of the corner of my eye, but I couldn't be too sure. We went back to our apartment afterwards to watch Elf and drink hot cocoa. We took pictures in photobooth, you're so dark, that you didn't show up in any of them.

You said you had to go back to school and I jumped at the chance to take you back. It was late, it had snowed even more. The roads were so bad. I had to avoid the highway. On our way home, you asked me something that made my whole stomach and heart drop. You asked me who I liked. After I stopped twitching and found my voice, I told you that I was happy with how my life was at the moment. I guess that was my first lie to you. Somehow I thought that saying this was better than the truth. The truth was messy, and if everything was going to come out, this wasn't how I pictured it happening. I always thought that if a boy ever liked me, he would be brave enough to tell me, not ask me who I liked and then admit that he too felt the same way. You ended up telling me that you were in no place to make any big decisions about your life right now. That there were things set in place for you that you couldn't change, that you needed some time to figure them out. For a moment I was terrified of what you were saying, I thought we were talking about us, but at the same time I wasn't sure, since you were being so vague. I was too scared to ask, I didn't want to be presumptuous.

I felt so dumb. I got back home and walked in the door close to tears. A couple of my friends were still there. They asked me what happened. I told them that I thought we had talked about huge things, but I wasn't too sure. They told me that you were my kryptonite. I whole heartedly agreed. I was always driving away feeling so confused about how we had left things. I'm not sure why I couldn't ask you anything straight out. I was never like this, I was always too bold, and too sure of myself. I think I knew the seriousness of everything, what it would mean if our thoughts and feelings aligned. So I decided to just dance around our issues, and wait for you to talk to my roommate. I guess I was a coward too.

henna & hard times?

December 4, 2010*

The beginning of this month was so fun and magical. I kept planning the most romantic, winter-y things I could think of and hoping that you would come. I kept looking forward to three things, A Christmas party at the art gallery, another one at the swing dancing place, and ice skating/sleigh rides down town. The party at the art gallery was formal, so of course I bought a new red dress with a huge bow on it. My hopes were so high. For what, I don't really know. I just knew that I would look pretty and you would be there, and that was enough to make me ridiculously excited. (Confession#7 I even bought fake eyelashes. How ridiculous is that?) You wouldn't give me a straight answer about the art gallery party. You had been distant since you told me you needed some space. I didn't really listen to you though. In fact, I was bossier than ever, throwing out weekly invitations and offering to pick you up for church. I guess I didn't respect the space you asked for at all. At the beginning of the month you invited a bunch of us to your school for international day. You said it was your favorite day, because of all the fun crafts, dances, and international food. I went not knowing what to expect. We hadn't talked much since you told me you needed some space. I was so bothered by the idea of you needing this space because I knew it was about me. Something I was doing was obviously bothering you, and I wanted to know what it was so I could fix it and you could be in my life again, so things could go back to normal.

I walked in to a huge room full of festivities, I ate some questionable international foods and got henna on my arm before you even came up to say hello. Your whole avoidance thing was getting on my nerves. You chatted up all of my friends, but squirmed when I came anywhere near you. At one point you sat down with us and tried to play a game of dominoes, but something I said, I think it was about boys, bothered you, and you got up and walked away. I tried to point out how weird you were being to my friends, hoping that they would notice and think it was weird too, but everyone thought I was imagining things. Your best friend joined us and I remember trying to convince him to join us that night for ice skating and fireworks. He told me that you guys weren't sure of your plans for the night. I took that to mean that you guys were waiting for a better offer. Looking back on everything now, I can't believe the lengths I went to to keep you in my life. Everything felt so off, I left so frustrated. I don't think we even said goodbye. I remember crossing my fingers and hoping that you would show up for ice skating. Everything turned into a waiting game, and when you weren't there, I would get so disappointed. My expectations for us were ridiculous. I probably thought that you would show up last minute, we would skate, I would be about to fall and you would be there just in time to reach out and grab my hand, and maybe a Michael Buble` Christmas song would start to play...who knows. You didn't show up. No one skated. I was freezing and the fireworks were mediocre, but I tried to have fun anyways.

I remember going home that night and wondering where you were and what you found to do that was more fun than hanging out with us. I just kept wishing that I would mean as much to you as you meant to me. My roommate's sister was there that weekend (Taylor Swift) I couldn't stop complaining about everything. I was miserable and I just wanted to talk it all out. I wanted so badly to know where you and I stood. I was a little nervous talking about you in front Blondie, there was just something about her that I didn't trust. We baked a million Christmas cookies that night. I remember feeling sorry for myself and making all of the gingerbread men either sad or angry. I was ready for things to change. At that point, I didn't care what it was that I found out, as long as it was the truth. No one likes the waiting game.

 

our hearts beat for africa

January 2010*

Thinking back to December 2010 still feels like kicking an old bruise. It still hurts to write about it. I'll eventually explain the events that lead up to this, but for now, here is the aftermath. This is actually my first journal entry about you. Everything that happened before this, I've written down as I've remembered it. This is my original entry, "I regret all the pressure I put on you and on myself. I want so badly to be a part of someone's life, that I often overlook the fact that they haven't asked me to be in theirs. When I rewind in my mind all the things you said, and all the times you looked at me, I know that I just heard what I wanted to hear, and saw what I wanted to see. You were and always would be four years younger than me. I'm disgusted with myself for thinking of you as more than a friend. You've made me feel crazy from the very beginning, and I don't think it was in a good way. You always talked in riddles and I would walk away from our conversations feeling even more confused. I was constantly trying to read between your lines, sometimes I thought I understood, other times I thought I was only hearing what I wanted to hear. How could I have misread everything? You gave me no reassurance or clarity in any way. It was selfish of you, it was like you couldn't, or didn't want to commit to anything, so you kept me waiting in the dark. You always knew how to keep me holding on just enough, it was everything your eyes would say, and how it seemed like you always had to touch my hair.

Every time that I get to know a boy, and I start to let myself think that there could be something between us, my mind does this weird thing, it says, this situation is so far from anything I could have ever imagined, it's so complex that it must have been orchestrated by God. My heart has always seemed to beat for Africa, and winding up in my mostly Sudanese church and meeting you, it all seemed to make so much sense. You wanted to live in Africa, you loved God, and you thought I was funny. It seemed too good to be true. I don't believe in coincidences, I think everything happens for a reason. I always want to assume that God is behind everything, but most times it's me trying to pull my own strings for my life. You don't know that it started this way, but everything started one night you were over, our friend from church was there too (the one you had an almost thing with.) We were all crowded around photobooth, trying on our halloween wigs, my roommate and our friend went in the other room, it was just you and me. You pulled me onto that tiny chair with you and we started taking pictures together. We took a few and were looking them over. You pointed one of them out to me, then you turned, looked me right in the eyes and said, "I look so content in this picture." I'm not sure if it was how you said it, or how you looked at me, but your words stuck with me in a way that was surprising and almost annoying.

There are few males in my life that look at me like I'm just any other girl, they don't see me as a the girl with the disability. They just treat me like I'm any other girl. There is no pity in their voice when they talk to me, and they aren't scared of hurting my feelings. This sounds like something a girl wouldn't want, but it was rare for a boy to treat me this way, I always feel so flattered when I'm perceived this way. You treated me this way from day one.

Needless to say, when my roommate went to bed that night, I spent a good half hour pouring over those six pictures of us, squinting, and hoping to see the answer to a question I was too scared to ask. That's how we started, sometimes I wish it had stopped there, that I hadn't pushed the way I always do."