on growing up and older sisters

I have to pause this story for a little bit. In order to understand what happens next, I have to tell you why I am the way I am. Here's the thing about me, I started everything a lot later in life. I learned to walk when I was two. When my mom was pregnant with me, she got really sick and went to the doctor, she expressed her concern and told him that I wasn't moving around as much as her first baby. He told her I was fine and sent her on her way. I was born a few months later with a lot of problems that lead to me having scoliosis, wearing a brace everyday, and having seven different surgeries. Apparently she didn't have enough fluid in her body for me to float around in, so I was stuck in one position for most of the pregnancy. I was born folded in half, with my legs behind my ears. All of this could have been fixed with one simple injection.

It would be so easy to get angry about this, my whole life has been a little bit of a challenge, but I'm not angry about any of it, sure there were times when I was mad I couldn't run like all the other kids, or ever be good at sports, but I learned other valuable things from sitting back and watching these activities. I would see who felt left out, and why, what made kids say and do certain things, I would take all of this in, I wanted to learn how to be accepted and understood even though I was physically different from them. I don't ever want to feel sorry for myself or have anyone feel sorry for me. I developed a coping mechanism, in order to not be made fun of, I had to be funny and sarcastic, and I had to be good at it. I remember having these comebacks planned in my head and ready to use at any moment, I had to make them laugh before they could laugh at me. I had to make them remember something about me other than how weird I looked when I walked. This worked for me, it became a part of me. Even today people will tell me I'm the funniest person they know and that I should be a comedian. I'm not trying to say this in bragging way, I remember when I realized why I was this way, why I could always deliver a line with a straight face. My humor is, and always has been a coping mechanism. I think that sometimes the funniest people are the most sad.

When I was ten I had a surgery that left me in a body cast for months, wearing diapers and learning to walk all over again. I can still remember my standing frame. It was this huge embarrassing looking contraption, it looked like a huge high chair. It started out completely horizontal, and everyday we would increase the angle a little bit more, till I was bearing all my weight on my legs, so I could stand and eventually learn to walk again. I remember being in that standing frame, watching life swirl on around me, wishing I was outside, playing with everyone else. These moments taught me about patience and what it was like to wait for something, and the extreme appreciation that would follow when I would finally achieve a goal. I've spent a lot of time watching, and not doing.

When I got older this would apply to dating, and all things boy related. No one was beating down my door to date me, but my older sister was always dating someone, from about the time when she was fourteen, till now, she's always had someone. I hate to say this, but I've learned what not to do in relationships with boys from her. I've watched her become wrapped up in boy after boy, and the emotional toll it would take on her when these relationships didn't work out. She spent so much time investing in boys, she forgot to experience what it was like to have fun alone, to invest in a real friend, someone who could sharpen and compliment you because they truly cared about you and wanted what was best for you. She was always trying to be what she thought these boys wanted her to be. Even though I feel like I lost a friend when she became interested in boys and I was mad at her for what seemed like years, what I regret more, is that these things happened to her. She let these boys change her, the effects were irreversible.

I don't even like sports

November 7, 2010*
Here's the part of the story where you stop having a cellphone and all of our communication turns into facebook messages. This month your little sister ran up $1,000 dollars worth of charges on her cellphone, the one you paid for. You couldn't pay it all back at once since you were in school full time, so they turned off both of your phones. I asked you if your sister was going to pay you back, selfishly trying to estimate when I could resume a texting relationship with you again. You were almost offended when you told me that families don't ever owe each other, you didn't even expect her to try and pay you back, you weren't even mad at her. I remember feeling bad for asking you that, and feeling guilty for my American ways, the ones where we worry too much about money, instead of what really matters, like family. Oh how I admired your character, it made me feel inferior to you sometimes, but then I would remember that you were a lot younger than me, and what you lacked in years, you made up for in wisdom, so I told myself everything came out even. 

On this particular day our trio was meeting up at your school, you wanted pictures off of our computer from a photoshoot we had a few nights before, you said you needed a new profile picture. (Confessional#2 I remember flying to your school right from work, hoping to get in a good half hour alone with you before my roommate got there.) You opened the door for me wearing this flat brimmed yankees hat. You keep your hair so short that it makes your head look tiny, and your hat was too big for you. I had a lot of hat comments for you and somehow that hat ended up on my head, you told me I needed to wear it backwards and flipped it around for me, you said all the guys would go crazy over me now. Ironic, since you were the only guy that I wanted to be crazy about me. You told me to keep the hat. I was secretly delighted and did a little dance routine in my head.

When my roommate showed up a little while later, she saw the hat on my head and shot me a look, I remember a hint of something that I couldn't quite identify flashed across her face for one millisecond. I blocked it out, not knowing if I had imagined it or not. I think that's when she knew what I couldn't admit out loud. Everyone knows that when you wear a boys hat...You had this African looking boomerang in your room and you showed us how to use it, we ended up taking a ton of ridiculous photos with it in photobooth. One shot in particular was hilarious, the flash didn't go off in time, and it was your silhouette with the weapon flying above your head, it looked like a scene straight out of a tribal horror movie. Do they make those? They should. We laughed about the picture for 5 minutes straight.

You eventually transferred our pictures onto your computer, I was anxious to see which one you would post as your profile picture. I hate how I use facebook and profile pictures to dictate who is important to me, I only put the people and events that mean a lot to me in my profile pictures, I assumed you did the same. I remember thinking that I really needed to get a life, this wasn't even a big deal. I think I was just dying to know how you felt about me, and you seemed to tell me your opinion on everything else in the world, but me. You picked one of you with my roommate, I kept reassuring myself that it was okay, I had your hat. Later when we got home, I hate to admit this, but I promised to be honest about everything on here, even if I look like an idiot. I was THAT girl, I took a picture of myself in your hat and sent it to you. I wanted you to know how much I loved the hat, that's not true, I don't even like sports. I liked it because it was yours, and I wanted my face to stick with you, even when I wasn't there.

jo bros & blondies

October 2010*
I don't know why I get so excited about halloween every year. I get SO excited, I call it halloweenie. Maybe it's because my mom never let me celebrate it as a child, so now that I can, I go buck wild with it. It's so fun being able to adopt a new identity for one night. I'm not even talking slutty, little mini outfits, I like the crazy original ones, and I'm not afraid of looking silly or putting a little work into making them. I work with kids everyday and I was out of ideas for costumes, so I started consulting them daily and taking votes on costume ideas. One girl told me that her and her friends were the Jonas brothers. I found this to be ideal since I knew my two closest friends would be on board with this. (Confessional#1 We may or may not have gone to a Jonas brothers concert a couple years ago.) I think we were the only 24 year-olds there. Gulp, so I went crazy with this idea, I got stuck being Kevin because no one ever likes Kevin. It just meant I would dress the most feminine and get sideburns...and since I was essentially making my gorgeous friends cross dress, I would bite the bullet and be Kevin.

I invited you to this, but like a typical boy you wouldn't give me a straight answer, I'm sure I was persistent and kept texting you though. You said you would come later and asked if you could bring one of your friends. I was a little flattered that you felt comfortable enough with us to invite a friend from school. Our costumes were a huge hit, we looked just like guys, everyone was thrilled and grossed out by us at the same time. Every time I would look at a picture that was taken of us, I would gag. I looked so masculine that it disgusted me, later on I would remember having to wear dresses and a ton of makeup for a week straight, in order to compensate for that night of sideburns.

I remember scrambling to get out of my costume before you got there, I didn't want you seeing me looking like a man. I put on normal clothes and a ton of makeup. The horror movie was in full swing by the time you finally showed up, no costume of course. You sat in a chair by the door looking uncomfortable, waiting for your friend to arrive. I remember wishing there was a spot open next to me on the couch, but on the other hand I didn't. My roommate's blond sister was sitting on the other side of me, she's the type that boys love because all they can see is her long, straight blond hair and blue eyes. I guess she's pretty, but she walks around like she knows it. She was Taylor Swift that year and was sporting the bright red lipstick. She kept getting up to draw attention to herself and/or look at her hair in the bathroom mirror. I thought I was being overly bratty, but my friend gave me the getta load of that eyes, and I was instantly validated in my feelings. I was on to her. She had blown up your facebook wall a couple days before, making you aware of her upcoming visit. I wished I didn't care so much, that I was okay with looking like a man in front of you, that I didn't feel so intimidated by blondie.

(We may or may not have had an outfit change. Judge away)

old english & disney-like analogies

October 2010*
As we fell further into fall, you were in my life more and more. Things fizzled out with you and the girl from church, just like I thought they would. She wanted something that wasn't so easy and started to chase after someone new. I remember thinking she was such a fool and she didn't know a good thing when she saw it. You promised us you were fine and kept reiterating the fact that you had liked her four years ago and that you never really felt peace about the whole thing. You started coming over lots, we were a fun trio. We always ended up getting pizza, picking out a movie from the library at your college, and laughing our heads off the whole night. I would always pick you up from school, since you were on my way home from work and weren't allowed to have a car on campus.

One particular night you came over with a lot on your mind, you confessed that you were thinking that God was calling you to be single your whole life. You told us how you wanted to move back to Africa after school and help people there. You said you didn't expect someone to move to a foreign country for you. I couldn't help it, I remember the way my voice shook as I yelped out, "that's not true, if a girl really loved you, she would follow you to the ends of the earth." These words would later come back to haunt me. We talked it out, how it didn't have to be all or nothing, that God always finds ways to get around the barriers we build for ourselves. We laughed about promising to marry each other in five years if we were both still single. We drew up a ridiculous contract that was written in a combination of old English and Disney-like analogies. Yesterday I turned on my old phone to get a number out of it and I was reading some of my old texts, they were the ones I kept in a secret folder marked 'edits' because they've meant something to me.  I found one from you, from this very night at  1:10 am, "God willing ill see you tomorrow...ps u made my night :)" And there I was again, accidentally setting myself up to be more and more invested in you and our fake future together. I never learn. Expectations are the root of all disappointment.

midnight breakfast

September 2010*
Horrible weekends pass very slowly, the way bad things usually do. Wouldn't it be awesome if our favorite moments went by in slow motion, and our lowest of lows flew by at top speeds? A couple nights later you invited my roommate and I out to midnight breakfast at your college. We met up with you while you were reffing an indoor soccer game. You weren't quite done yet, so we roamed the halls of the athletic center, I found the sports team photos on the wall. It didn't take very long for me to locate you. You were the tiny dark spot in the photo, you were wearing the most intimidating look on your face, while everyone else was all smiles. I laughed so hard and took tons of photos on my cellphone so I would remember to make fun of you later. We walked into the gym, you were running around, whistle in your mouth, in the middle of the court, with those skinny legs of yours. We stood on the sidelines and you walked up, before I knew it, I was blurting out, "so I heard you had weird dreams about our friend from church, you think my roommate's face is pretty, but you think I have a hott body." You looked embarrassed and freaked out. It was my way of getting even for you not mentioning me at all. Gee sometimes I just can't control my words...well I don't even think I tried to that time.

It was about midnight by the time we made it to the cafeteria. It had been a couple years since I had been on a college campus, every student we passed had a baby face. I felt super old and out of place overhearing their mindless chatter. They weren't worried about anything beyond their next chem test, or what they were going to wear when they went out Thursday night. I remember the days of living in the college bubble. It was just another reminder that you were so much younger than me. I lost count of how many people came up to our table to say hello, or joke around with you about something, you were a popular guy, not that I was surprised by this. You're sporty, African, quick to laugh, and a good listener, of course you would have a million friends. It was my first time seeing you in your own environment, you were confident here. You knew exactly where the forks were.

We finally got our food and made small talk. I was dying to get down to business and ask you about your version of the story from the other night, I wanted you to say it was all a joke. We quickly ate and went over to your dorm lounge to discuss the topic at hand. You opened up about everything and kept getting embarrassed over the things we already knew. After hearing both sides of the story, I did find one interesting difference, when you told the story, you said you used to like her four years ago, when she told it, she made it sound like you had liked her for four years. I asked you about your past love life, it seemed appropriate and I had been dying to know these things anyway. You said you had only had one girlfriend your whole life and you thought you were going to marry her, but it ended and you never wanted to see her again. I couldn't understand this and it made me nervous that you could delete someone out of your life that easily, someone who supposedly meant a lot to you. I guess she had hurt you too bad. I tried to be objective and give good advice, being both of your friends and secretly in like with you, I tried to remain unbiased. I remember slouching over on the couch and not saying much, I did warn you that I saw how quickly she could change her mind about boys, and not to get too ahead of yourself. I left feeling really old and really far away from ever meeting anyone who would take a chance on me. Here's to hoping these nights fly by, and I forget about you.

be a good friend, be a good friend

*September 2010

My roommate and I love hosting parties in our tiny apartment. You became a regular on our guest list. I found myself throwing a lot of these little parties during the month of September, it was the only way I could come up with an excuse to see you outside of church. You always seemed interested when I would first invite you, but you would never actually show up. One particular party was 'Beatles Rockband Night' it brought out our usual group of friends, but this time you showed up. You had gotten lost and somehow I didn't hear my phone ringing, so I missed all your calls, you kept calling and finally got a hold of my roommate. You were persistent though, and when you finally made it, you told me how lost you had gotten, and how you had ended up at the wrong house. Knocking on the wrong door in my neighborhood can be lethal, I guess that's what we get for living so close to the liquor store. You said you knew you had to keep trying your hardest to make it, that you were scared to know what I would do to you if you missed out on yet another one our parties.

You sat on the couch and were on your phone a lot, probably playing solitaire. Later on I would find out this was your go-to activity for when you're feeling out of place. Our mutual friend from church was there and she kept complaining about how much homework she had, and how she didn't want to be alone at her apartment. She talked you into leaving early with her. I didn't even pretend to hide my disappointment as you walked out the door with her. The next day you were all weird and jittery at church and I teased you about being out really late. What I actually was doing, was fishing for info. You admitted to being at her house till 3am, but wouldn't give me much more than that. When my friend got to church late that morning, she was all smiles, and passed me a note saying I wouldn't believe what happened last night. My whole heart sank. I couldn't even smile back at her. Lucky for me she was too giddy to notice.

She promised my roommate and I a detailed description of her late night happenings. I felt comfort in knowing that I wasn't the only one who was upset, my roommate and I discussed how devastated we both were on the car ride home. We both felt like no one was good enough for you. I confessed to her that I loved hugging you, and it felt a little bit like I imagined hugging Jesus would feel. It's something about the way you got both of your arms around me, I felt safety and comfort in each one of your hugs. They weren't awkward boy hugs where you're wondering how long or how tightly you should hold on. Later on I would wonder if I was the only one you hugged like that. Later that afternoon I swallowed my pride and decided to be a good friend, and as my friend sat on my bed and rehashed her story from the previous night, I nodded my head at all the right times, and said all things I thought a good friend would say. Turns out you guys had a flirty night of confessions, apparently you admitted to having a crush on her for four years ago, and she admitted that in the past she had entertained the thought of what it would be like to be with you. You both said you had weird dreams about each other, I guess a lot of giggling was involved. You also admitted to her that you found my roommate to be attractive. My name was not mentioned once, I was dying to know what you thought about me. I felt so insignificant. Even though their whole night sounded silly, I found myself starting to worry about you, scared that you would get hurt. I've witnessed firsthand the way my friend has dealt with boys in the past, I would always laugh off her boy drama, telling her she was ridiculous and boy crazy, but you weren't just any boy, you were different. I cared about you. I knew you would take this whole thing seriously, and that she was always living for the next best thing. Thus began the war of head versus heart.

those annoying facebook status'

The first time I missed you, it was the end of August 2010, my friends threw me a huge surprise party with a 50's theme, It was so fun and nice of them. They put a lot of hard work into all the planning and the decorations. I wasn't too surprised by who they had decided to invite, I was having the time of my life, but I can remember wishing that you were there to share it with me, and being confused as to why I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I remember the first time I felt something for you. It was in September. It started on a Saturday night. You updated your facebook status and said something about getting some terrible news and being really upset about it. Usually these status' annoy me to death, but for some reason I wrote you a message and asked you if everything was okay. You mentioned something about your best friends dad dying or something that sounded pretty obscure to me, but I told you I hoped you were okay and that I would be praying for you. You had gotten hurt playing soccer that weekend and showed up to church walking with a limp. You seemed so broken, both physically and emotionally.

It was our big relaunch at church, and the sanctuary was packed. It was so exciting and crazy to see our normally half filled church packed to the brim. My whole family was there that week, there weren't even enough seats for everyone to sit. I can still remember how badly I wanted my family to meet you, and my mother's response after meeting you. She leaned over and whispered in my ear, "he's the blackest boy I've ever seen." Oh mama, sometimes she just doesn't realize how offensive she sounds. With everything going on around me, all I could see was you, sitting there in your seat with your head down, you were praying while everyone else was greeting each other. The worship music started, everything was abuzz, but there you were in your own little world, and I found myself wanting to be part of it, to get inside that head of yours and make you laugh, make you forget about everything bad, if only for a second. I never would have admitted this out loud, but birthday parties and Sunday mornings were starting to take a toll on me.

my conscious subconscious

*May 2010

It's always scary to me how our thoughts can take on a life of their own. One tiny comment, that's all it took. It was planted in my mind, and it grew and grew into a garden of excitement and hopes. I guess it just comes down to that one moment when your brain takes an idea and either completely dismisses it, or continues to pursue it further. It entertains scenarios and ideas in a matter of seconds, and before you know it, you're consciously or subconsciously altering your routines to feed this new curiosity you have awakened.

For me that comment came on a typical Thursday night. I was helping with youth group, and on this particular night, my little sister was with me, she's young, but she has this amazing gift of being able to see things with clarity and simplicity. Her advice is far beyond her years. You were there that night, helping out with the youth, you were still very much a youth yourself. You have always stood out to me, you're so much younger but the way you carried yourself and took care of your siblings made you seem so much older, like you never got the chance to be a little kid. Growing up in Africa made you seem mysterious and a lot older than twenty. I wanted to get to know you so bad, but I didn't know how. I challenged you to an intense game of cards and we laughed about it the entire night, shouting empty threats to each other and pretending to be mad at the end of each game. When we left I told my sister how much I loved you and how I wanted you guys to date, she looked at me and said these words, "uhhh you're crazy, he is in love with you. You're going to marry him." I looked at her and laughed it off, immediately dismissing the thought of this, but her words started something in me that I don't even think I was aware of till recently. I can see now that this was the moment, you know one of those crucial moments where something shifts ever so slightly and you're facing this new situation whether you're ready for it or not.

A million hellos

Sometimes people come into your life and you just know they're going to mean a lot to you, other times they just sneak in and before you know it, they have earned this place in your heart where it seems like they've always been. The story of a boy and a girl is never simple. It always starts that way though.  A simple hello can turn into wanting a million more. I've always been one to protect my heart at any cost, even when it comes to my friendships, I only let people get so close to me. It's hard to invest in things that you're not sure of. I know life isn't always predictable, and sometimes you get hurt, but I've found myself doing a little math equation before I decide to invest in someone. This sounds bratty maybe, but when I decide to be someones friend, I'm all in, I pour everything into that person and try my hardest to build them up and really know them, beyond the external facade that people are always trying to present. There's nothing I love more than that moment when someone is actually vulnerable and shows you all sides of them, both good and bad. The acceptance of knowing that someone has seen that side of you and still wants to be your friend is so liberating.

Unconditional love has always been something I have wanted to give freely. I think it's what I'm always looking for in other people too. Finding something like that is so rare. I think Anne of Green Gables called them kindred spirits. She was so smart, I wish she was real. When you started to mean a lot to me, I tried racking my brain, desperate to remember the very first time I noticed you. Much later I would remember, after stumbling across a journal entry from 2009. I was feeling really low at the time, things didn't work out with me and a boy in another state and I was having a hard time accepting it. I had just started attending a tiny church in the inner city and was helping out in the nursery. For some reason being around babies is so comforting to me, there's something about holding someone so close to you and knowing that they depend on you that gets to me. I've always found that helping someone else is good for me, it stops me from continuing in a self centered frame of mind.

My journal entry went something like this, "Thank you God for giving us friends, families, and babies to fill in those gaps when we feel unloved and alone and you can't physically be here for us." When I was rereading this entry my mind flashed to the inspiration for this entry. It was the image of a teenage boy, holding his little brother in his lap. The little boy was almost too big to be held, but he was smiling from ear to ear and you could tell he loved and admired his older brother so much. You were that teenage boy, and a little sliver of hope for me that day. I guess I'm just setting this all up to tell you about the boy who gave and took, the one who caught me off guard and changed everything.  He's the reason I'm so stuck. He got to me, he changed my list, he changed his mind.

assume away

In copying over my journal entries from June 2009, my entry went something like this

"I'm scared to say that I'm content and happy with my life right now. It's almost as if admitting that, everything will crumble around me and I'll have to start over from scratch."

Here are some facts about me

I'm 25
I'm a Christian
I'm single
I have a disability
I've never been kissed
I've never been on a date
I can't remember the last time I swore
I'm happy with how my life is

Don't get me wrong, my lack of experiences are not due to being religious, I hate that word, it's just I've never been asked. Embarrassing, I know. I used to think about this a lot and wonder if it was because of my disability, my overwhelming personality, or if it's because God's protecting me till the right one comes along. It's probably a combination of all of these things. I'm sharing all of this because in order to understand, you have to know the facts. Flash forward to now, my life looks something like this...

I'm 26 years old
I'm still a Christian
I still have a disability
I've been on a date
I've been kissed
I mouthed a swear word the other day when I was singing a song
I'm stuck in reverse

After typing this all out, I'm wondering how I've gotten to this place. There's nothing worse than feeling like you're not moving anywhere. I thought once my list of nevers changed, I would be happier, but that's just not how it works. It's a little discouraging to look back and see that I had it together a lot more a year ago. I don't know how I've gotten to this place. That's silly, I know exactly how I've gotten here, life happens and we pick and choose things for ourselves, our decisions amount to consequences, and sometimes we're left with blessings, and other times we're left with more longings. One thing I'm certain of is this, broken is when You can mend us.

begin to start

Everyone has to start somewhere. I thought I would start with what I know, what I can remember.
I don't want to forget anything, or leave anything out. It's all important. It all contributes to me in some way. I'm going to write this all down and call it fiction, that way no ones feelings will get hurt and everyone will still be able to look me in the eye at the end of the day. This is all my perspective, I could be wrong about everything. It's just the way I saw it, and how it made me feel at the time.

Sometimes I don't believe the things that have happened to me, so I write them down, that way I don't forget them, and they stay with me, the way life-shaping things should. I want to remember it all, even the bad. That way when good things happen to me in the future, I'll appreciate them that much more.

This is a copy of all my hand written journal entries. There's something freeing about putting everything out there. In order to move ahead, sometimes you have to look back and make sense of the things that don't make sense, the things that keep you up at night, the things that you replay in your mind over and over again, wondering if you did or didn't say enough...these are the things that eat us alive. I've got to get them out, before they consume me.