The beginning of this month was so fun and magical. I kept planning the most romantic, winter-y things I could think of and hoping that you would come. I kept looking forward to three things, A Christmas party at the art gallery, another one at the swing dancing place, and ice skating/sleigh rides down town. The party at the art gallery was formal, so of course I bought a new red dress with a huge bow on it. My hopes were so high. For what, I don't really know. I just knew that I would look pretty and you would be there, and that was enough to make me ridiculously excited. (Confession#7 I even bought fake eyelashes. How ridiculous is that?) You wouldn't give me a straight answer about the art gallery party. You had been distant since you told me you needed some space. I didn't really listen to you though. In fact, I was bossier than ever, throwing out weekly invitations and offering to pick you up for church. I guess I didn't respect the space you asked for at all. At the beginning of the month you invited a bunch of us to your school for international day. You said it was your favorite day, because of all the fun crafts, dances, and international food. I went not knowing what to expect. We hadn't talked much since you told me you needed some space. I was so bothered by the idea of you needing this space because I knew it was about me. Something I was doing was obviously bothering you, and I wanted to know what it was so I could fix it and you could be in my life again, so things could go back to normal.
I walked in to a huge room full of festivities, I ate some questionable international foods and got henna on my arm before you even came up to say hello. Your whole avoidance thing was getting on my nerves. You chatted up all of my friends, but squirmed when I came anywhere near you. At one point you sat down with us and tried to play a game of dominoes, but something I said, I think it was about boys, bothered you, and you got up and walked away. I tried to point out how weird you were being to my friends, hoping that they would notice and think it was weird too, but everyone thought I was imagining things. Your best friend joined us and I remember trying to convince him to join us that night for ice skating and fireworks. He told me that you guys weren't sure of your plans for the night. I took that to mean that you guys were waiting for a better offer. Looking back on everything now, I can't believe the lengths I went to to keep you in my life. Everything felt so off, I left so frustrated. I don't think we even said goodbye. I remember crossing my fingers and hoping that you would show up for ice skating. Everything turned into a waiting game, and when you weren't there, I would get so disappointed. My expectations for us were ridiculous. I probably thought that you would show up last minute, we would skate, I would be about to fall and you would be there just in time to reach out and grab my hand, and maybe a Michael Buble` Christmas song would start to play...who knows. You didn't show up. No one skated. I was freezing and the fireworks were mediocre, but I tried to have fun anyways.
I remember going home that night and wondering where you were and what you found to do that was more fun than hanging out with us. I just kept wishing that I would mean as much to you as you meant to me. My roommate's sister was there that weekend (Taylor Swift) I couldn't stop complaining about everything. I was miserable and I just wanted to talk it all out. I wanted so badly to know where you and I stood. I was a little nervous talking about you in front Blondie, there was just something about her that I didn't trust. We baked a million Christmas cookies that night. I remember feeling sorry for myself and making all of the gingerbread men either sad or angry. I was ready for things to change. At that point, I didn't care what it was that I found out, as long as it was the truth. No one likes the waiting game.
