The bigger picture

Dear Joanne. I can't sleep tonight. It took me by surprise how much this week would hurt. I remember those days in the hospital, what it felt like to pretend with Daniel. How we spent an hour inside that freezing phone booth inside the waiting room. It was the one place where he felt safe. We pretended to call the President at least fifty times. We built a battle ships out of legos and had to take him downstairs, while they unplugged you from the machines. I tried to distract him and make everything so fun, that I didn't have time to, or didn't let myself grieve. I didn't cry at all. Not at the visitation, not at the funeral. It was even putting a wedge between Josh and I. I refused to believe you were gone even though I saw you in the hospital and said goodbye. I started to panic and I would sometimes cry at night before you died when I thought about the possibility of losing you. I kept thinking, the only person who I trusted to get me through something like this on earth, was you. With you not there to talk to, I didn't know how I would manage. I was getting married and I selfishly needed you to be there so badly. I take forever to trust people, but you had invested in me so much, and saw so much potential in me. I saw how you lived your life and how it was not your own. You used every ounce of your strength to love and serve God and your family. I saw that and trusted you and your advice more than my own mother. I'm so thankful for so many things you've taught me. I didn't even realize how numerous your lessons were until the ride home from the funeral. It was such a rough day. I was supposed to celebrate Christmas with the Morgans for the first time ever. My heart wasn't in it. I had to meet up with Josh and ride back with him in the car for 3 hours and we were running late. I was dreading it. He was upset because he had come out to the funeral and had to wait at the mall while I ate with your family. I left in a hurry to meet him there and forgot Suzanne at the church in the process. I was running so late and I hated how I was upsetting everyone. I turned around to get Suz and I was terrified of my emotions. I wasn't letting myself mourn. I refused, and I felt myself getting physically sick. I picked up Josh, dropped off Suzanne and opened the car door to throw up. Josh saw what was happening and took over driving. He was so upset at me for how I had pushed him away in the past week. It should have made us closer, but I made you being sick and losing you a wedge between us. He told me to talk. I said I couldn't I just wanted to be strong for everyone. For Daniel, for Louis, for your beautiful baby girl that you would never see. I felt so much that I made myself numb. He said something I'll never forget, it was exactly what I needed to hear. He said, "you don't need to be strong for me." And with that, I knew he was right. I knew he could handle it. I trusted his words. I said Josh, you don't understand, she taught me so much. He said tell me what she taught you. And I did. I told him for two and a half hours. I sobbed and told him things you had taught me. Things I didn't even realize you taught me. You changed my life. You taught me all of these practical ways to live without fear. How to stand up for myself, how to let go. You told me the truth about L when no one else would. I remember sitting in your office and you saying to me, you can choose this for yourself, but I think that you would be in for a world of pain and confusion. You told me that sometimes we can only see a little bit of the picture at a time, but God can see the whole thing at once, and He will work it out for our good. I was in pain and struggled with letting him go for years and with those words, I realized it was something I could choose for myself, but I didn't want to live like that anymore, so with your words, I started to let him go. When things would get hard and he would corner me and come out to my car and tell me he loved me and asked me what my heart was saying. I would be trembling on the inside and wanting his acceptance so bad, but a verse came to mind and I would answer him with a steady voice as I quoted scripture. He had no idea how close I was to giving in. I'm so thankful for your lessons. I can still hear you saying clarity, clarity, clarity, with your Puerto Rican accent. When Josh came along, I recognized clarity. I knew what to look for. I'm so thankful for the way you interacted as my friend, and hung out with us. I remember that Super Bowl game when we painted our nails and talked about boys. I asked you how to politely get rid of one, and you said asked me why I wanted to. I started to describe Josh and as I heard myself describing him, I realized he sounded like my dream guy. Alicia, Suz and Adria were there so I saw you hesitate before you spoke, but I assured you that it was ok to tell me things straight up in front of them. You said something that changed my whole life. "I think you're trying to sabotage your own happiness" and with that I almost started to cry, because I knew that you were right. I am so thankful you got to see it unfold and that you got to see my ring. I'm so glad I texted you that night and thanked you for telling me the truth. When I said goodbye and felt your skin so tight and your eyes so tired and swollen, I knew you were already gone. It scared me and still does that you're not around. All I can do now is remember your lessons and share them with others. I'm so thankful for the days that I got to spend with your beautiful baby. She's a huge gift and I know she's helped Daniel and Louis get through their darkest days with her hopeful innocence. You would be so proud of them and the way they have pulled together as a family. How I know Louis is so tired, but he comes home and sees Sara and Daniel and his whole face lights up and love radiates from him. It's something so special, that I cannot put it into words. You have set so many things up and taught us so many things, that were are still being blessed by them even now. I cannot ever thank you enough. I will strive to remember that there is still a bigger picture. All my love, B