everything & nothing

"And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too"
-F&TM

December 22, 2010*

I had never been more wrong about anything in my whole life. I asked you if we could meet before I drove home to my mom's house for Christmas, I didn't feel right about how we had left things, all those mean things I said to you were rattling around in my mind. You didn't deserve them. The only thing hurt was my pride. It was the day before Christmas eve. I was wearing my bright red pea coat. I curled my hair, and I think I was even wearing a dress. I felt like I was on a mission. I thought that maybe if I looked pretty enough, you might tell me the truth, that you lied about everything, that you actually did feel something for me all along. I also wanted you to know I forgave you, that I didn't have everything together the way you thought I did. I guess looking back on it now, I was trying to save my pride, to regain just a little bit of my dignity.

It was freezing. I couldn't bring myself to knock on your door. I felt so dumb, I couldn't face your family, even though they probably didn't know anything. I felt so ashamed, so I just sat in my car and waited for you until you came out of your apartment. You weren't wearing a coat of course, your head was down, hands in your pockets. You walked so slowly to my car, and got in with a hesitant hello. You weren't sure what I was going to say. I wasn't either. I remember wishing I had written things down. I asked you if you had anything to tell me, you assured me you didn't. I wanted to give you another chance, just in case you had changed your mind. I think I just wanted to hear everything from you, face to face. To make sure that it was true. You gave me this speech about how I was the funniest person you had ever met...blah blah...I blocked you out and got embarrassed, hoping that you didn't think I came to see you just so you would give me compliments. They felt more like insults anyways, because although you thought I was funny, I still wasn't funny enough or amazing enough for you to want to be with me. You said you knew I couldn't hold hate in my heart for long. I'm not sure where you got it in your mind that I was such a gracious person. Maybe you were just hoping that I was.

I drove away with closure. You had confirmed in my mind that everything was true. You were sticking to it. I wasn't an idiot, it was time to accept the fact that you and I would never be anything more than friends. Let it go. This time I really did. I drove away with the finality of it all ringing in my ears. I made one stab at you, I told you I wasn't sure where you got it in your head that I had everything all figured out. I told you I never expected anything from you. I guess that was my lie. I did expect something. I expected everything and nothing all at once, if that makes any sense. That's how it always is with me, it could mean everything, or it could mean nothing at all. I'm always waiting things out. Waiting to be disappointed, waiting to be thrilled, waiting for someone to change my mind about all my preconceptions in love and in friendships. To know that there was someone out there who didn't change, who wouldn't walk away when things were hard. Merry Christmas. Time to head home and heal.

online blues are for teenagers

"Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted"

- Nickel Creek

December 2010
Now, when I look back on everything, I can't believe how much I had worried about you, about this whole situation. I wonder what I could've built or accomplished with all the effort and thought I put into you. It makes me sad. Why are my priorities always so messed up? I want them to look like this, 1. God 2. Family 3. Church 4. Myself. But they usually look like this, 1. Myself....

This is what happened, after they had the talk and some of my embarrassment subsided, I realized I needed to tell you that I didn't really expect anything from you, and that this whole thing would not have sucked so bad if you had just come to me with everything. (Confession #10 This was a lie. My expectations were through the roof.) This was one of my darkest days in all of this, later on it would all make sense, but when it was happening, it sure did feel like the end of the world. I guess my pride was hurt the worst, mostly because of my roommate's sister (Taylor Swift.)  She always seemed to be popping up whenever a boy I liked was involved. This is what should have been the final straw for me.

me: hey. how's studying?

you: not studying anymore

just being lazy

hey i gota tell you something important

me: it's saturday. it's allowed

I gotta tell you something important

you: Oh? 

me: you can go first, or we can talk tomorrow?

you: ***** (Taylor Swift-my roommate's sister) says i shouldnt say mine on computer so, ill tell you in person tomorrow

me: why are you talking to everyone but me, about me?

it's making me so mad

you: dont be mad

you: I have always thought of you as a great friend. sisterlike

and thats the way i want it to be

im sorry for any confusion that ive caused you

me: thats fine

i've never expected anything from you

that's what i wanted to tell you

you: i just want us to be friends if not, i understand

it took me a while to find out....and when i did, i didnt wanna hurt ur feelings

me: well you wouldn't have if you had just told me. and honestly I don't have everything figured out like you think

you: i really am sorry....ino these things arent easy and its my fault

i never wanted it to go that way so its not like i was doing it on purpose....im sorry and ino ur mad at me...and thats ok 

me: idk what to say

i accept your apology

you: u dont have to

you:i now know i was a turd to you

me: why didn't you just tell me?

you: and still am

but i really dont see you that way...i do care about you and love you like i do all my friends

me: i feel like you blew the whole thing out of proportion

or got the wrong impression about my feelings for you somehow

i never expected something from you

you: if i did, it wont happen again

me: i was just having so much fun with you, and you got all weird

these past couple weeks

and you stopped looking at me and avoiding me

and you made me so confused


you: i always have fun around you too

me: then?

you: i felt it was going in the wrong direction

me: from what?

you: from being great friends to emotions getting involved

me: but what made you think that?

something i did?

you: i felt it when i looked at you in the car that one time u droped me off

At that point your internet connection just kept going in and out, until I finally gave up and signed off. Boom, there it was. Those were the words I had been waiting to hear. They were definitive. Just let go. Nope, I couldn't do it. I was holding onto the idea of us so tightly, that I just couldn't let it go. So instead I got mad for a while, and held onto my little dog in his Christmas sweater. I could pinpoint the exact moment in my car that you were talking about. I didn't know my eyes could give so much away, but at the same time, I remember hoping that they would, since I couldn't, or wouldn't admit how I felt about you out loud. I think we were a little confused about the whole thing. The line between being a close friend and confidant was blurred because of our genders. I guess we should not have been sharing such intimate things with each other. It made me too emotionally attached to you. In the aftermath of our haphazard conversation, I began to panic and worry that we had just ruined our whole friendship, and the thought of it tore me in two.