february break(s me)

"I wish my heart was cold
But it's warmer than before

I wish my heart was as cold as the morning dew

But it's as warm as saxophones

And honey in the sun for you."

-C. O.

February 27, 2011*
It was your February break, and we were texting all day, and late into the night. You were coming over lots, and "forgetting" your soccer hat with the name of your college on it, because you knew how much I loved it. I was still wearing my new necklace from Valentines Day. I kept noticing that with just one flip of the charm, it looked like the girl was either running away from the boy, or they were kissing. I started to get nervous that I was the kind of girl that wanted something until she could actually have it. I had gotten my hair cut and you asked me to send you a picture. I felt really weird about it, so I tried to ignore your request, but you were persistent, so I give in and sent you a picture with my hair all tucked under, making it look like I had chopped it off. Your response was "sexy." I remember being confused and feeling weird about it, like I had done something wrong, but I was secretly thrilled that you said that to me, and I started to wish that I had actually chopped my hair short.

My roommate wasn't home one night and I randomly invited you over, thinking that you wouldn't come, but you did. You had just gone shopping with your friend and accidentally "butt dialed" me at least five times that night. You brought over your new clothes and did a "fashion show" for me. It was ridiculous and I was embarrassed when my roommate showed up in the middle of it. Suddenly I was picking you up again at school and everything was back to normal, but  something was a little different. I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. Later on, I figured out what it is. You were putting me first. You offered to get food for me, and to drive my car so I can eat dinner on our way to church. When you would leave my house each night, you started to grab the trash, and offered to take the dog out. It was almost like you were trying to show me that you liked me without words. My heart was telling me that something was different, but my head kept telling me to run, that it was all a big trick. I didn't want to get my hopes up again, but I did anyways.

There were still those times that threw me off, when it seemed like you were pulling away. When we were at youth group and everyone joined hands to pray before it started, you refused to hold my hand and it made me mad. You held everyone else's. Sometimes the things you did just didn't make sense. One day it dawned on me that you never actually called me by name, it was always mademoiselle, or something ridiculous. I was the opposite, I couldn't stop saying your name, I was always calling you by your name, or giving you weird nicknames. You started to seem attainable this time, but maybe not. I just didn't want to be the fool again. Not this time. So I kept flipping around the girl on my necklace, I just couldn't decide which way I wanted her to go.