boys & girls are sometimes awkward

"This is me praying that
This was the very first page
Not where the story line ends."
-T. S.

December 6, 2010*

You decided you would come to the art gallery party last minute. It snowed a ton that night. Everything was covered in a layer of icy, white sparkles, or at least that's how everything looked to me. I think it was probably just snow. Christmastime just makes everything seem more magical. I tried to have a conversation with you online about everything that was going on with you, but you wouldn't budge. You said you didn't want to talk about it. My roommate picked you up on her way home from work. You informed her that you wanted to have a talk with her and you asked her not to tell me. Being a good friend and following the code of girl-dom, she told me anyways. I was in the bathroom when you got to my house, I was probably gluing my eyelashes on. I remember being scared to come out of the bathroom, thinking that I had gone a little overboard with all my eye glitter and lashes. (Confession #9 The glue from those fake lashes gave me an eye infection.)

 I remember not being able to look at you when I came out of the bathroom. I pretended you weren't there. You wore this bright blue, short sleeved dress shirt that was too big for you. You looked like you were ready to go golfing. You never were good at keeping up with the fashion trends, but I didn't care. In the car, you told my roommate and I that we looked nice. When we got to the art gallery, you got out of the car so fast, you didn't even look back or wait for me. There was so much snow I could barely walk in it. You told us that you ended up coming that night because your fortune cookie that came with your dinner that night read, "you will have a fun night with friends." That was the start of my frustrations with your decision making. It just didn't make sense to me, I couldn't imagine basing my plans on a fortune cookie. You were always asking me if it would make me happy if you came to certain events, and I always told you the same thing, "I want you to come if you want to be there." I never wanted you to feel like you had to come just to make me happy.

There ended up being six of us that night, three boys, and three girls. It was a little awkward that we ended up with the right amount of girls and boys to be in couples that night, it wasn't on purpose, it just happened. I averted being part of your couple, my roommate fell into that role for some reason. We all look so awkward in all the pictures. None of us knew what to do with our hands. I remember purposefully avoiding being near you in the pictures. I didn't want you to get the wrong idea and think I was presumptuous about whatever we were, or that we planned it that way. You sat by me when we ate and laughed nervously at all of the jokes. Sometimes I thought I would catch you looking at me out of the corner of my eye, but I couldn't be too sure. We went back to our apartment afterwards to watch Elf and drink hot cocoa. We took pictures in photobooth, you're so dark, that you didn't show up in any of them.

You said you had to go back to school and I jumped at the chance to take you back. It was late, it had snowed even more. The roads were so bad. I had to avoid the highway. On our way home, you asked me something that made my whole stomach and heart drop. You asked me who I liked. After I stopped twitching and found my voice, I told you that I was happy with how my life was at the moment. I guess that was my first lie to you. Somehow I thought that saying this was better than the truth. The truth was messy, and if everything was going to come out, this wasn't how I pictured it happening. I always thought that if a boy ever liked me, he would be brave enough to tell me, not ask me who I liked and then admit that he too felt the same way. You ended up telling me that you were in no place to make any big decisions about your life right now. That there were things set in place for you that you couldn't change, that you needed some time to figure them out. For a moment I was terrified of what you were saying, I thought we were talking about us, but at the same time I wasn't sure, since you were being so vague. I was too scared to ask, I didn't want to be presumptuous.

I felt so dumb. I got back home and walked in the door close to tears. A couple of my friends were still there. They asked me what happened. I told them that I thought we had talked about huge things, but I wasn't too sure. They told me that you were my kryptonite. I whole heartedly agreed. I was always driving away feeling so confused about how we had left things. I'm not sure why I couldn't ask you anything straight out. I was never like this, I was always too bold, and too sure of myself. I think I knew the seriousness of everything, what it would mean if our thoughts and feelings aligned. So I decided to just dance around our issues, and wait for you to talk to my roommate. I guess I was a coward too.