"My mind forgets to remind me
You're a bad idea."
March 4, 2011*
That first night we were alone together in public, it was a weekend in March. You were coming over to watch movies with my roommate and I. We decided to grab some Chinese food at the sketchiest place in town. It was right by the weave store, where a man was always selling illegal dvd's from the trunk of his car. I remember how it was the first time you slipped up with your words. We leaned against the dirty counter, squinting at the paper menu, as you tried to decide what to order. A woman with three inch fake nails was yelling at the man behind the counter for getting her order wrong. I didn't notice, I was in my own little world, as I soaked up every second of you and I. You turned towards me, got really still, and asked me if I would trust you. I got so nervous and probably started to twitch. You were always acting like you were about to drop a big verbal bomb on me. You told me you wanted to pay for dinner, I argued a little, not really caring who paid. I loved how you took charge and ordered for the both of us. We stood and waited for our food, huddled in the corner. For some reason they kept the door wide open, and it was freezing in there. A strange man offered me his egg roll. I took it, not wanting to hurt his feelings. There was a poster up of someone's missing chihuahua. I remember thinking that you kept getting closer and closer to me, but not being sure if I was imagining it or not. I remember slowly inching away from you, shrinking even further into the corner, just in case you really were. I was terrified of you, what you would do, what it would mean, and that I was imagining the electricity between us again. I wasn't ready to feel crazy and confused all over again, but at the same time, I craved it, because I still felt that pull towards you, even after everything that happened between us.
I tried to shift the conversation to something lighter, so I told you how my little sister always gives these air booty slaps whenever there's a lull in conversation, or while running down the sidewalk past a storefront or restaurant full of people. It makes her laugh, and everyone else so uncomfortable. She likes to get a reaction out of strangers, and not have to face them afterwards. So she does these inappropriate little run-bys. I was telling you how she had caused a rukus doing this the night before. I took credit for my youngest sister being so weird. We talked about how I felt like she was mine sometimes, the way I was always worrying about her. And that's when you said it, you told me to, "Work on my mothering skills, I don't want my kids booty slapping, ever." I laughed, then thought about you said, and wondered if you even knew what you had implied. (Confession #11 Did you imply that you wanted me to have your kids? No, that couldn't be right....) That's part of being a late bloomer in the guy department, having never been in a relationship, or really pursued in any way, I wasn't sure what I should read into, I had obviously mistaken you before, I didn't want to do it again. I knew that later that night, I would lie in bed picking apart our conversations, trying to remember everything exactly as it was said, but until then I would relish those few minutes of waiting in that freezing, creepy restaurant, because I got to spend them with just you.
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