Green Hornets & Cheesecake

"You hold my hand like it's the first time
And all the feelings that our hearts find
Will be just what we expect"

-RK

 

I hold hands with people all day every day. It's just the nature of my job and working with children. It's always such a nice feeling, even when it's a kid's hand. To know that they reach out for something to hold, and they pick you. I've never really held a boys hand before, (well there was that one time in Barbados when our tour guide fell in love with me, but that's another story for another day.) Since I always hold hands, I didn't view it as a big deal. I thought that it was just a thing you do when you like someone. I had already told you not to touch me. It made me too nervous, I told you I would twitch everywhere if you ever tried to put the moves on me. I'm not sure why I'm such a weirdo. I just keep telling myself it's because I started dating so late in life, it's turned me into a scaredy cat. I never knew what to expect. It was the first night we went out as a couple, we were on a double date, plus my roommate. We were going to go out for cheesecake, but ended up getting dinner too. I wore this really cute black dress and spent a ridiculous amount of time on my hair and put a band aid on my mangled finger, even though it was mostly healed.You were really quiet in the beginning, you left your friends birthday party early to come out with us. I was so happy, you looked nervous, you weren't used to eating dinner in places that didn't have a drive thru window. I liked expanding your tastes in food. You just didn't know what was out there. I didn't know why you were so nervous. Dinner was good, we split dessert. You barely said anything, it was like you working something out in your mind.

And before I knew it, you were grabbing my pinky under the table, and I was wishing no one would notice a change on my face, or how much trouble I was having forming words. We went to the movies afterward and watched The Green Hornet. Before the movie even started you pointed to the left, said, "oh look at that" and grabbed my hand. I guess that was your way of easing me into it, through trickery. I couldn't have been more wrong about hand holding and it's meaning. I cannot even use the words to describe it. It was the nicest feeling in the whole world, somewhere between holding a puppy, someone wrapping you in a warm blanket, fresh out of the dryer, and your first memory of Christmas morning. You played with my hand for the entire movie. It was so intimate, yet innocent in every way. I felt so safe, appreciated, and complete, for the first time in my life, I didn't want that stupid movie to end. When the movie was over, you asked me to give it a rating out of 10, I gave it a 7. You were surprised I rated it so high, but in all honesty, it was because I didn't actually retain any of the movie. I was in another world, one where just you and I existed. I went to bed that night thinking over and over, "I want him to be the first and last boy to ever hold my hand." I tried to fall asleep super fast, before the reality would hit me, the one that told me that no one is ever that lucky.