frogs & swamps

"Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms"

-JM

This visit meant everything. I wanted my family to know you the way that I did. I had to get their approval before I could be with you. I wanted everything to be perfect. You started talking about kissing the night before we drove to my mom's house. You were going to officially meet the family and come over for dinner. We went to church first, since you were leading worship. We discussed our plan of execution for leaving. You were going to give me the eye, and I would head for the door, and we hoped that no one would notice.

You informed me as soon as we pulled in the drive that we had to kiss at least five times that day or you would kiss me in front of my family. I was furious with you. You wouldn't get out of the car until I agreed to this. Dinner was a little awkward, especially when you brought up your time in prison as a child. How they beat you till you were almost dead. Not exactly dinner conversation, but I didn't care if you didn't. We were sitting in shafts of sunlight on my mom's couch after dinner, you put your arm around me and looked at me for a little to long, that's when I realized what 'the look' was. I've heard it from my female friends before, I guess it comes right before a boy kisses you. I thought it was a myth, but they swore by it, they said it was obvious, and I would know if it ever happened to me. It was like I could almost read your mind, and I immediately covered my mouth with my hand. You were absolutely crazy if you thought our first kiss was happening in front of my whole family.

kiss ting craziez nothing felt right, the moon above your head, I had my eyes wide open. Did it mean I didn't trust you? You got so serious and you wanted to make a vow to each other, I wanted you to promise me that you wouldn't change. You couldn't, but you said if you did change, we would change together. questions that I couldn't answer, so I didn't. Headlights. the frogs were so loud. You told me we had to kiss at least 5 times. You wanted fireworks, a scene from titanic. I just wanted to survive it. You told me to pick my favorite song. We danced in the headlights of my car to John Mayer's 'Slow Dancing In a Burning Room. I could have picked any song, and I picked that one. I drew a picture when I was at work.

That exact moment when you expect to feel complete but you find yourself feeling the exact opposite so you try and convince yourself that you're imagining it all, that you deserve to be happy too, and that maybe, just maybe there's actually something wrong with you because it seems like you're doing everything right and you can't think of one reason why things don't feel right, or why you're holding back. Unsure? I remember thinking, well maybe this is how it's supposed to feel. I had nothing to compare it to. My sister cried when I told her the story. She said it sounded perfect, that I was so lucky. I didn't mean to lie to everyone, myself included. It's just that when everything is making sense on the outside, you want it to on the inside too. I guess when those two things don't match up, there's a problem somewhere. At that point, you hadn't even given me a reason not to trust you. I guess my instincts are impeccable. Sometimes I wish they weren't, that I had been able to enjoy those seemingly 'perfect' moments before the reality of everything came crashing down. It's probably better that it happened that way. If it hadn't, I would have felt blindsided instead of validated.

that last time I snuck you over and made you spaghetti. The moon was full. I couldn't find the right meatballs. I can't believe I was so sneaky, and that I prayed on my way to meeting you. It didn't make any sense. It was an oxymoron. Protect me from what I'm about to do, as ridiculous as that sounds, I think my prayers were answered. How can God be that understanding of my weaknesses? He never ceases to amaze me. He walked in the door making plans with his best friend, and I knew our time together would be short. He was cramming in visits with every friend he could think of before he left. He acted like he was dying and had to make his final statements to everyone individually. We had Netflix at our finger tips, but we chose to watch snakes on a plane on some illegal Chinese website. It was ridiculous, we both confessed that we had been wanting to see it for years, so naturally that was our only option. Snakes on a plane, he pulled away. You went into the other room before we started eating and you played our song. I couldn't control my face. It was probably sad and happy all at once. Sad that our song wasn't true, happy that you remembered. Everything was easy, well it was for me anyways. We kept things light and I didn't want you to go. You made plans when you were walking in the door. You let go first this time. I would've held on longer. I remember trying to make you stay. I didn't even try to hide it. You offered to let me keep your computer, but I didn't want my roommate to see it and know you were there. It was so awkward when she texted you when you were with me. I felt horrible, but at the same time, I didn't care. I was on autopilot. Just get away with it now, deal with the consequences later.

Green Hornets & Cheesecake

"You hold my hand like it's the first time
And all the feelings that our hearts find
Will be just what we expect"

-RK

 

I hold hands with people all day every day. It's just the nature of my job and working with children. It's always such a nice feeling, even when it's a kid's hand. To know that they reach out for something to hold, and they pick you. I've never really held a boys hand before, (well there was that one time in Barbados when our tour guide fell in love with me, but that's another story for another day.) Since I always hold hands, I didn't view it as a big deal. I thought that it was just a thing you do when you like someone. I had already told you not to touch me. It made me too nervous, I told you I would twitch everywhere if you ever tried to put the moves on me. I'm not sure why I'm such a weirdo. I just keep telling myself it's because I started dating so late in life, it's turned me into a scaredy cat. I never knew what to expect. It was the first night we went out as a couple, we were on a double date, plus my roommate. We were going to go out for cheesecake, but ended up getting dinner too. I wore this really cute black dress and spent a ridiculous amount of time on my hair and put a band aid on my mangled finger, even though it was mostly healed.You were really quiet in the beginning, you left your friends birthday party early to come out with us. I was so happy, you looked nervous, you weren't used to eating dinner in places that didn't have a drive thru window. I liked expanding your tastes in food. You just didn't know what was out there. I didn't know why you were so nervous. Dinner was good, we split dessert. You barely said anything, it was like you working something out in your mind.

And before I knew it, you were grabbing my pinky under the table, and I was wishing no one would notice a change on my face, or how much trouble I was having forming words. We went to the movies afterward and watched The Green Hornet. Before the movie even started you pointed to the left, said, "oh look at that" and grabbed my hand. I guess that was your way of easing me into it, through trickery. I couldn't have been more wrong about hand holding and it's meaning. I cannot even use the words to describe it. It was the nicest feeling in the whole world, somewhere between holding a puppy, someone wrapping you in a warm blanket, fresh out of the dryer, and your first memory of Christmas morning. You played with my hand for the entire movie. It was so intimate, yet innocent in every way. I felt so safe, appreciated, and complete, for the first time in my life, I didn't want that stupid movie to end. When the movie was over, you asked me to give it a rating out of 10, I gave it a 7. You were surprised I rated it so high, but in all honesty, it was because I didn't actually retain any of the movie. I was in another world, one where just you and I existed. I went to bed that night thinking over and over, "I want him to be the first and last boy to ever hold my hand." I tried to fall asleep super fast, before the reality would hit me, the one that told me that no one is ever that lucky.

last night, last kiss

'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.

May 17, 2011

In my heart I knew it was going to be our last kiss when we had it. We were outside, walking the dog, saying our goodbyes. As usual the porch light was illuminating us, and the dog was wrapped around our ankles a million times. You were going to talk to our pastor the next day. Things hadn't been right between us, so I encouraged you to talk to him. You had become so distant and inconsistent. It made me feel insecure all of the time. One day you even shut your phone off and I couldn't get a hold of you. I was so frustrated with what felt like my one sided attempt to hold onto you. I could feel you slipping away from me more and more every day. Once we tried to talk about everything in your car, I made some really good points and asked you some tough questions that you couldn't, or wouldn't answer. You told me about all the pressure you felt to take care of your family, to buy them a house before you got married. You thought that it couldn't happen for at least ten years. I was so confused as to why you hadn't told me this sooner. Ten years was a long time to wait to marry you, and I was discouraged with the thought of waiting that long, but in my heart I knew I would do it if you really loved me.

That's the thing about me, I'm always too quick to settle for something that I know isn't right, but there was something inside me that I knew about you that seemed to dictate everything. It seemed like your heart and mouth wouldn't let you say or do the things you wanted to. You always seemed  to be fighting this internal battle between what you wanted for yourself, and the duty you felt to your country and family. I think I got in the way of that, maybe it confused you, like you thought you couldn't have both. You weren't sure of your priorities anymore. Sometimes you forgot to hide how much you felt for me. That night you were sitting in my kitchen, I walked by and you grabbed me and pulled me into your lap. You buried your face and my hair and said you missed me over and over. I wanted to be so angry at you, all I was ever trying to do was see you and be with you. I missed you, me! I was the one that was always waiting to get a call or text indicating that you wanted to see or talk to me. How dare you tell me you missed me. I wanted to be so angry, but I actually believed that you missed me. It killed me that we were both feeling the exact same things but couldn't communicate effectively to each other how or why there was such a big discrepancy in our understanding of one another.

Right after work I drove straight to your soccer practice and sat in my car. I could barely see you over the hill and it was raining, so I didn't get out of my car. I hoped you could tell I was there and sense how much I wanted to be with you. Earlier that day you told me not to bother coming, that it was just a scrimmage, but I insisted. You said you would come over and hang out with me later. That night was so weird, I wanted everything to feel normal again, I started to understand what it felt like to try and hold onto someone using every means possible, even if it meant my body. I remember hearing stories about girls who thought that sleeping with their boyfriends would make them stay. I started to understand that mentality, that desperation that comes with losing someone or something. I was physically touching you every second that night, I was so insecure, whether it was holding onto your arm or rubbing your shoulder. I was so scared of losing you that, I was literally holding onto you. I remember sitting on the couch, somehow we started taking pictures. You wanted one of us kissing, I thought it was tacky and immature, but I humored you. I'm so thankful I have that picture now, if we didn't take it, I never would've believed that you actually kissed me. That we had been that close physically and emotionally, well at least I had been. I guess it doesn't even matter now. In the end it just doesn't matter who did what, or why, just that it ended, that neither of us are the same, that we're both still broken, but now were separately broken. Maybe that's better, maybe it's worse. It is what it is. I'm still trying to figure it all out, where to draw the line between what is and what was, what can be, and what will never be. I can't let the past dictate what my future holds, but at the same time I can't kill that hope inside of me, the one that says that you can change, the one that says one day you'll wake up and realize that you can't live without me. I'm a fool for you. I know it. I'm not sure what's worse, realizing and acknowledging it, or being in denial and maintaining a shred of dignity.

The bigger picture

Dear Joanne. I can't sleep tonight. It took me by surprise how much this week would hurt. I remember those days in the hospital, what it felt like to pretend with Daniel. How we spent an hour inside that freezing phone booth inside the waiting room. It was the one place where he felt safe. We pretended to call the President at least fifty times. We built a battle ships out of legos and had to take him downstairs, while they unplugged you from the machines. I tried to distract him and make everything so fun, that I didn't have time to, or didn't let myself grieve. I didn't cry at all. Not at the visitation, not at the funeral. It was even putting a wedge between Josh and I. I refused to believe you were gone even though I saw you in the hospital and said goodbye. I started to panic and I would sometimes cry at night before you died when I thought about the possibility of losing you. I kept thinking, the only person who I trusted to get me through something like this on earth, was you. With you not there to talk to, I didn't know how I would manage. I was getting married and I selfishly needed you to be there so badly. I take forever to trust people, but you had invested in me so much, and saw so much potential in me. I saw how you lived your life and how it was not your own. You used every ounce of your strength to love and serve God and your family. I saw that and trusted you and your advice more than my own mother. I'm so thankful for so many things you've taught me. I didn't even realize how numerous your lessons were until the ride home from the funeral. It was such a rough day. I was supposed to celebrate Christmas with the Morgans for the first time ever. My heart wasn't in it. I had to meet up with Josh and ride back with him in the car for 3 hours and we were running late. I was dreading it. He was upset because he had come out to the funeral and had to wait at the mall while I ate with your family. I left in a hurry to meet him there and forgot Suzanne at the church in the process. I was running so late and I hated how I was upsetting everyone. I turned around to get Suz and I was terrified of my emotions. I wasn't letting myself mourn. I refused, and I felt myself getting physically sick. I picked up Josh, dropped off Suzanne and opened the car door to throw up. Josh saw what was happening and took over driving. He was so upset at me for how I had pushed him away in the past week. It should have made us closer, but I made you being sick and losing you a wedge between us. He told me to talk. I said I couldn't I just wanted to be strong for everyone. For Daniel, for Louis, for your beautiful baby girl that you would never see. I felt so much that I made myself numb. He said something I'll never forget, it was exactly what I needed to hear. He said, "you don't need to be strong for me." And with that, I knew he was right. I knew he could handle it. I trusted his words. I said Josh, you don't understand, she taught me so much. He said tell me what she taught you. And I did. I told him for two and a half hours. I sobbed and told him things you had taught me. Things I didn't even realize you taught me. You changed my life. You taught me all of these practical ways to live without fear. How to stand up for myself, how to let go. You told me the truth about L when no one else would. I remember sitting in your office and you saying to me, you can choose this for yourself, but I think that you would be in for a world of pain and confusion. You told me that sometimes we can only see a little bit of the picture at a time, but God can see the whole thing at once, and He will work it out for our good. I was in pain and struggled with letting him go for years and with those words, I realized it was something I could choose for myself, but I didn't want to live like that anymore, so with your words, I started to let him go. When things would get hard and he would corner me and come out to my car and tell me he loved me and asked me what my heart was saying. I would be trembling on the inside and wanting his acceptance so bad, but a verse came to mind and I would answer him with a steady voice as I quoted scripture. He had no idea how close I was to giving in. I'm so thankful for your lessons. I can still hear you saying clarity, clarity, clarity, with your Puerto Rican accent. When Josh came along, I recognized clarity. I knew what to look for. I'm so thankful for the way you interacted as my friend, and hung out with us. I remember that Super Bowl game when we painted our nails and talked about boys. I asked you how to politely get rid of one, and you said asked me why I wanted to. I started to describe Josh and as I heard myself describing him, I realized he sounded like my dream guy. Alicia, Suz and Adria were there so I saw you hesitate before you spoke, but I assured you that it was ok to tell me things straight up in front of them. You said something that changed my whole life. "I think you're trying to sabotage your own happiness" and with that I almost started to cry, because I knew that you were right. I am so thankful you got to see it unfold and that you got to see my ring. I'm so glad I texted you that night and thanked you for telling me the truth. When I said goodbye and felt your skin so tight and your eyes so tired and swollen, I knew you were already gone. It scared me and still does that you're not around. All I can do now is remember your lessons and share them with others. I'm so thankful for the days that I got to spend with your beautiful baby. She's a huge gift and I know she's helped Daniel and Louis get through their darkest days with her hopeful innocence. You would be so proud of them and the way they have pulled together as a family. How I know Louis is so tired, but he comes home and sees Sara and Daniel and his whole face lights up and love radiates from him. It's something so special, that I cannot put it into words. You have set so many things up and taught us so many things, that were are still being blessed by them even now. I cannot ever thank you enough. I will strive to remember that there is still a bigger picture. All my love, B

General Tso's, Weave, & Illegal DVD's

"My mind forgets to remind me

You're a bad idea."

March 4, 2011*
That first night we were alone together in public, it was a weekend in March. You were coming over to watch movies with my roommate and I. We decided to grab some Chinese food at the sketchiest place in town. It was right by the weave store, where a man was always selling illegal dvd's from the trunk of his car. I remember how it was the first time you slipped up with your words. We leaned against the dirty counter, squinting at the paper menu, as you tried to decide what to order. A woman with three inch fake nails was yelling at the man behind the counter for getting her order wrong. I didn't notice, I was in my own little world, as I soaked up every second of you and I. You turned towards me, got really still, and asked me if I would trust you. I got so nervous and probably started to twitch. You were always acting like you were about to drop a big verbal bomb on me. You told me you wanted to pay for dinner, I argued a little, not really caring who paid. I loved how you took charge and ordered for the both of us. We stood and waited for our food, huddled in the corner. For some reason they kept the door wide open, and it was freezing in there. A strange man offered me his egg roll. I took it, not wanting to hurt his feelings. There was a poster up of someone's missing chihuahua. I remember thinking that you kept getting closer and closer to me, but not being sure if I was imagining it or not. I remember slowly inching away from you, shrinking even further into the corner, just in case you really were. I was terrified of you, what you would do, what it would mean, and that I was imagining the electricity between us again. I wasn't ready to feel crazy and confused all over again, but at the same time, I craved it, because I still felt that pull towards you, even after everything that happened between us.

I tried to shift the conversation to something lighter, so I told you how my little sister always gives these air booty slaps whenever there's a lull in conversation, or while running down the sidewalk past a storefront or restaurant full of people. It makes her laugh, and everyone else so uncomfortable. She likes to get a reaction out of strangers, and not have to face them afterwards. So she does these inappropriate little run-bys. I was telling you how she had caused a rukus doing this the night before. I took credit for my youngest sister being so weird. We talked about how I felt like she was mine sometimes, the way I was always worrying about her. And that's when you said it, you told me to, "Work on my mothering skills, I don't want my kids booty slapping, ever." I laughed, then thought about you said, and wondered if you even knew what you had implied. (Confession #11 Did you imply that you wanted me to have your kids? No, that couldn't be right....) That's part of being a late bloomer in the guy department, having never been in a relationship, or really pursued in any way, I wasn't sure what I should read into, I had obviously mistaken you before, I didn't want to do it again. I knew that later that night, I would lie in bed picking apart our conversations, trying to remember everything exactly as it was said, but until then I would relish those few minutes of waiting in that freezing, creepy restaurant, because I got to spend them with just you.

february break(s me)

"I wish my heart was cold
But it's warmer than before

I wish my heart was as cold as the morning dew

But it's as warm as saxophones

And honey in the sun for you."

-C. O.

February 27, 2011*
It was your February break, and we were texting all day, and late into the night. You were coming over lots, and "forgetting" your soccer hat with the name of your college on it, because you knew how much I loved it. I was still wearing my new necklace from Valentines Day. I kept noticing that with just one flip of the charm, it looked like the girl was either running away from the boy, or they were kissing. I started to get nervous that I was the kind of girl that wanted something until she could actually have it. I had gotten my hair cut and you asked me to send you a picture. I felt really weird about it, so I tried to ignore your request, but you were persistent, so I give in and sent you a picture with my hair all tucked under, making it look like I had chopped it off. Your response was "sexy." I remember being confused and feeling weird about it, like I had done something wrong, but I was secretly thrilled that you said that to me, and I started to wish that I had actually chopped my hair short.

My roommate wasn't home one night and I randomly invited you over, thinking that you wouldn't come, but you did. You had just gone shopping with your friend and accidentally "butt dialed" me at least five times that night. You brought over your new clothes and did a "fashion show" for me. It was ridiculous and I was embarrassed when my roommate showed up in the middle of it. Suddenly I was picking you up again at school and everything was back to normal, but  something was a little different. I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. Later on, I figured out what it is. You were putting me first. You offered to get food for me, and to drive my car so I can eat dinner on our way to church. When you would leave my house each night, you started to grab the trash, and offered to take the dog out. It was almost like you were trying to show me that you liked me without words. My heart was telling me that something was different, but my head kept telling me to run, that it was all a big trick. I didn't want to get my hopes up again, but I did anyways.

There were still those times that threw me off, when it seemed like you were pulling away. When we were at youth group and everyone joined hands to pray before it started, you refused to hold my hand and it made me mad. You held everyone else's. Sometimes the things you did just didn't make sense. One day it dawned on me that you never actually called me by name, it was always mademoiselle, or something ridiculous. I was the opposite, I couldn't stop saying your name, I was always calling you by your name, or giving you weird nicknames. You started to seem attainable this time, but maybe not. I just didn't want to be the fool again. Not this time. So I kept flipping around the girl on my necklace, I just couldn't decide which way I wanted her to go.