the only good thing about new years, is that it's new...

"So this is the new year.

And I don't feel any different."

-DCFC

December 31-January, 2010*
Christmas and New Years, what a blur. I'm trying to get this all right, I'm scanning through pictures and reading through journals. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for going back and remembering it all, for rehashing every little memory in detail. Maybe I am crazy, but part of me thinks that the only way to get over this, is to see it all out in front of me, to see all of my mistakes and acknowledge them. Maybe I'll be able to sift out what was my fault and what wasn't. I really healed after Christmas, letting go changes everything. I felt relief. All my questions were answered, and I felt satisfied for once. Even though it wasn't what I wanted, I wasn't waiting around, hoping for something that was never going to happen. Celebrating New Years has always been a big deal growing up. My sisters, my best friend, and I would dress up all fancy, put on a ton of makeup, eat finger foods, and sit around in the living room waiting for the ball to drop. I'm not sure why we get so dressed up, we never even go anywhere. In the morning there is a tradition on the Native American Reservation where my dad lives, called New Yah-ing. It's almost like Halloween. You go from house to house yelling, "Happy New Yah!" Then you receive a baked good. I always end up missing it because we can't wake up early enough. Those are our traditions.

The end of 2010 brought out a random group of people to my mom's house. I felt so disconnected from everyone, like I was just going through the motions of everything. I'm not sure if I told anyone or not, but I had invited you to our house for new years. I wanted to make sure you knew that we were still friends, and I would still invite you to things. Part of me just wanted you to be there too. I knew you wouldn't come. You hated stuff like that. I didn't blame you, it was always you and a bunch of girls. I just wanted to ring in the new year with you I guess. I knew it was a bad idea. I remember wearing my fancy black and gold dress but not taking off my sweatpants because I was too cold and I just didn't care anymore. In all the photos I'm trying too hard. I kept wondering when I would stop living my life in terms of you. January was your birthday. I can't even remember if I told you happy birthday or not. We were becoming strangers, but that was how it had to be. Next stop, valentines day. Things were about to get crazy.