what is love?

Valentines Day 2011*
Ha, the whole holiday just doesn't bother me one bit. I don't give a hoot about it. That year I was just thankful to still have my finger. I was so grateful for everything in my life, and how I was able to do more and more as my finger healed. Valentines day meant that me and all of my single friends would dress up and go out for sushi. This time, I didn't even think to invite you. It was fun, and easy. My roommate made us all matching heart bracelets. Everyone made fun of my bandage with their wash cloths. I was so content for the first time in months.

I had agreed to help you and my roommate make a video for youth group. The topic, love. Ironic, I know. I was actually okay with the whole thing. I showed up to your school with dirty hair, the sweatshirt I wore when I was feeling fat, and a bad attitude. My hair was so greasy, I remember throwing a hat on. I had stopped caring what you thought about me, I didn't try to be near you any more. I stopped being careful with my words. I remember how we went to your school and walked around interviewing people on campus. We asked them what love meant to them. A lot of the answers were silly, some of them were serious. You and I both pretended to be random people. You pretended to be a boy named Bobby. I remember how you said, "Love is a lot like chocolate cake. When you have it, you're happy, and when you don't you're sad." 

When we were done with interviews, we ordered Chinese food and watched a movie in your dorm room. You were folding your laundry the whole time, not really paying attention to the movie. You acted as if we weren't even there, not in a rude way, but in a way that was comfortable, and for once, I didn't mind. It was just like old times, except this time, I had zero expectations. It was a fun day, and I was so proud of myself for being able to hang out with you and not feeling so much pressure for once. When I got home I uploaded our videos so I could edit them. I found one that wasn't like the others. You were holding the camera, almost hiding it, and everything was really shaky, but it was a shot of me walking alone. I was pretty confused, and deleted it since it didn't seem relevant for our youth group video. Later on it would all make sense, everything would. I recently went back and looked for the video , but it's long gone. I did find this clip. We were so awkward and too careful around each other. I guess this is what it looks like when two people pretend not to care too much. I can't believe I have all this proof. None of this seems like it really happened, but then I see the pictures, and I watch the videos, and there it is. I wish I could see it all with a fresh pair of eyes. I guess I still want to find answers and meaning in every little thing.