sixty chicken nuggets

"I know what it takes to move on

I know how it feels to lie

All I want to do

Is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven't got"

-LP

Mid-February 2011

I'm remember driving home to my mom's house for the weekend, it was a few weeks after valentines day. My sister got really into the holiday that year, and she had a whole bag of Valentines presents for me. There was even a card. The cover of the card had an African American woman on it, and I remember how everyone stood around making jokes, because they all knew that I had never really gotten over you. At the bottom of the bag was this silver necklace with a boy and a girl charm on it. I liked it so much that it wore out.

It was your February break, you had a cellphone again, and suddenly we were texting each other almost every day and I'm lying to myself about it not meaning anything, and realizing that you haven't lost your power over me like I had hoped. I remember not being able to admit to myself that I was still falling for you, because I was trying so hard to keep my feet on the ground, and my love for you all separated out and simple. I kept forcing myself to remember that terrible conversation we had online, when you told me that you thought of me as, "...a great friend, sister like."

Two of my close friends had just started dating, they had both heard about our unfolding winter drama and had met you a couple times. Our plans for that evening, were for us girls to grab some dinner so we could talk, then the boys would meet up with us later for a movie.  I remember going through the McDonald's drive through window with my friend, we were getting our usual, a twenty piece chicken Mcnuggets and large fry (disgusting, I know) to split, when I started telling her how glad I was that we never worked out, I started spewing out all these weird arguments, it was like I couldn't stop myself, I guess I was trying to justify to her,  and myself, that it was okay for us to hang out. My friends boyfriend showed up to my apartment right after we got back with our food. He knew what we usually ordered and had grabbed us more nuggets, not knowing we had just gone there. sixty nuggets. For some reason there were sixty. Those nuggets ended up in the back of my fridge for months.

I remember calling you while we were eating. I put you on speakerphone so you could pick out a movie and see what time they were playing. I remember talking to you and how it seemed like you had suddenly developed this really strong accent. You were really hard to understand and my friend was looking at me all weird, and it was like I was hearing and seeing you through her ears and eyes, and you sound so young and foreign, and I'm questioning myself for a second, but then you show up, and as soon as I see you, your voice sounds regular and your face seems so lovely that everything else fades away.

I remember when you showed up, how I felt like jumping out of my skin because the room suddenly felt electric and too warm, and I'm prancing around like a careless, teenage girl, offering to make everyone ice cream. I remember not being able to concentrating on what I was doing, and I forget to put in an essential piece on the machine, so I ruined the whole batch of ice cream, but we ate it anyways. I'm trying to take your picture on my new phone so your face would pop up when you called, but you wouldn't smile in your picture, you were just so serious and direct with your gaze, that it made me uncomfortable, so I gave up. You started telling us stories about how you almost died twice on the same bridge in Africa when you were little, and I'm sitting beside you bursting with happiness because you're here with me and we're having so much fun that we forget to go to the movie. You had to leave for soccer practice, but you offered to come back after, and I was surprised, but glad that you wanted to. You were always rushing off, or finding an excuse to leave, but this time, it was so different. You wanted to be there, and I felt it. After you left, my friends just kept saying over and over, "I don't remember him being that dark," and I just kept smiling, because I didn't care or notice what color you were, or what you sounded like. I just wanted you to be mine.