*September 2010
My roommate and I love hosting parties in our tiny apartment. You became a regular on our guest list. I found myself throwing a lot of these little parties during the month of September, it was the only way I could come up with an excuse to see you outside of church. You always seemed interested when I would first invite you, but you would never actually show up. One particular party was 'Beatles Rockband Night' it brought out our usual group of friends, but this time you showed up. You had gotten lost and somehow I didn't hear my phone ringing, so I missed all your calls, you kept calling and finally got a hold of my roommate. You were persistent though, and when you finally made it, you told me how lost you had gotten, and how you had ended up at the wrong house. Knocking on the wrong door in my neighborhood can be lethal, I guess that's what we get for living so close to the liquor store. You said you knew you had to keep trying your hardest to make it, that you were scared to know what I would do to you if you missed out on yet another one our parties.
You sat on the couch and were on your phone a lot, probably playing solitaire. Later on I would find out this was your go-to activity for when you're feeling out of place. Our mutual friend from church was there and she kept complaining about how much homework she had, and how she didn't want to be alone at her apartment. She talked you into leaving early with her. I didn't even pretend to hide my disappointment as you walked out the door with her. The next day you were all weird and jittery at church and I teased you about being out really late. What I actually was doing, was fishing for info. You admitted to being at her house till 3am, but wouldn't give me much more than that. When my friend got to church late that morning, she was all smiles, and passed me a note saying I wouldn't believe what happened last night. My whole heart sank. I couldn't even smile back at her. Lucky for me she was too giddy to notice.
She promised my roommate and I a detailed description of her late night happenings. I felt comfort in knowing that I wasn't the only one who was upset, my roommate and I discussed how devastated we both were on the car ride home. We both felt like no one was good enough for you. I confessed to her that I loved hugging you, and it felt a little bit like I imagined hugging Jesus would feel. It's something about the way you got both of your arms around me, I felt safety and comfort in each one of your hugs. They weren't awkward boy hugs where you're wondering how long or how tightly you should hold on. Later on I would wonder if I was the only one you hugged like that. Later that afternoon I swallowed my pride and decided to be a good friend, and as my friend sat on my bed and rehashed her story from the previous night, I nodded my head at all the right times, and said all things I thought a good friend would say. Turns out you guys had a flirty night of confessions, apparently you admitted to having a crush on her for four years ago, and she admitted that in the past she had entertained the thought of what it would be like to be with you. You both said you had weird dreams about each other, I guess a lot of giggling was involved. You also admitted to her that you found my roommate to be attractive. My name was not mentioned once, I was dying to know what you thought about me. I felt so insignificant. Even though their whole night sounded silly, I found myself starting to worry about you, scared that you would get hurt. I've witnessed firsthand the way my friend has dealt with boys in the past, I would always laugh off her boy drama, telling her she was ridiculous and boy crazy, but you weren't just any boy, you were different. I cared about you. I knew you would take this whole thing seriously, and that she was always living for the next best thing. Thus began the war of head versus heart.
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