on growing up and older sisters

I have to pause this story for a little bit. In order to understand what happens next, I have to tell you why I am the way I am. Here's the thing about me, I started everything a lot later in life. I learned to walk when I was two. When my mom was pregnant with me, she got really sick and went to the doctor, she expressed her concern and told him that I wasn't moving around as much as her first baby. He told her I was fine and sent her on her way. I was born a few months later with a lot of problems that lead to me having scoliosis, wearing a brace everyday, and having seven different surgeries. Apparently she didn't have enough fluid in her body for me to float around in, so I was stuck in one position for most of the pregnancy. I was born folded in half, with my legs behind my ears. All of this could have been fixed with one simple injection.

It would be so easy to get angry about this, my whole life has been a little bit of a challenge, but I'm not angry about any of it, sure there were times when I was mad I couldn't run like all the other kids, or ever be good at sports, but I learned other valuable things from sitting back and watching these activities. I would see who felt left out, and why, what made kids say and do certain things, I would take all of this in, I wanted to learn how to be accepted and understood even though I was physically different from them. I don't ever want to feel sorry for myself or have anyone feel sorry for me. I developed a coping mechanism, in order to not be made fun of, I had to be funny and sarcastic, and I had to be good at it. I remember having these comebacks planned in my head and ready to use at any moment, I had to make them laugh before they could laugh at me. I had to make them remember something about me other than how weird I looked when I walked. This worked for me, it became a part of me. Even today people will tell me I'm the funniest person they know and that I should be a comedian. I'm not trying to say this in bragging way, I remember when I realized why I was this way, why I could always deliver a line with a straight face. My humor is, and always has been a coping mechanism. I think that sometimes the funniest people are the most sad.

When I was ten I had a surgery that left me in a body cast for months, wearing diapers and learning to walk all over again. I can still remember my standing frame. It was this huge embarrassing looking contraption, it looked like a huge high chair. It started out completely horizontal, and everyday we would increase the angle a little bit more, till I was bearing all my weight on my legs, so I could stand and eventually learn to walk again. I remember being in that standing frame, watching life swirl on around me, wishing I was outside, playing with everyone else. These moments taught me about patience and what it was like to wait for something, and the extreme appreciation that would follow when I would finally achieve a goal. I've spent a lot of time watching, and not doing.

When I got older this would apply to dating, and all things boy related. No one was beating down my door to date me, but my older sister was always dating someone, from about the time when she was fourteen, till now, she's always had someone. I hate to say this, but I've learned what not to do in relationships with boys from her. I've watched her become wrapped up in boy after boy, and the emotional toll it would take on her when these relationships didn't work out. She spent so much time investing in boys, she forgot to experience what it was like to have fun alone, to invest in a real friend, someone who could sharpen and compliment you because they truly cared about you and wanted what was best for you. She was always trying to be what she thought these boys wanted her to be. Even though I feel like I lost a friend when she became interested in boys and I was mad at her for what seemed like years, what I regret more, is that these things happened to her. She let these boys change her, the effects were irreversible.